Sunday, November 29, 2015


*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on
while we were on vacation.
Angel: I'm sorr-
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in
my head until I realised it had just moved them
to my mouth.
Son: DAD! There's a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute...... You mean monster?
Son: No!
[from under the bed] "Whatcha gonna do 'bout
it big guy?"  
Demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Eat, drink and be scary.
What's the problem with twin witches?
You never know which witch is which.
In the back of the Guinness Book of World
Records it states "All records are currently held
by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this
book are only the records of those people who
have come closest to Chuck Norris' records."
Dear Abby, I want to run over my neighbor with
my SUV.
How can I do that without raising my insurance
Just bought Colgate mouthwash 'cause it builds
stronger gums and someday my gums might
have to lift a car off a baby.
You can lead a horse to water but it's pretty
crowded there because of all the men you
taught to fish in that other proverb.
yo mommas so fat she uses a drone to put on
her dress. and has to recharge it 3 times to
finish ...