Tuesday, November 10, 2015



[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you're late...... We said meet at sunset.
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you damn midget...
I've been informed by TSA that my man-bun
is not allowed on the plane.
They fear a riot from horny women clamoring
to sit next to me.. 
I said to the waiter, "Did you know your finger
is on my steak?"
He said, "Yes, I know.
I didn't want to drop it again."
Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in
her kid's nose is from allergies or not.
His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your
Made it to the level of old where I turned down
a beer so it wouldn't mess with the aftertaste
of the milkshake I just had....
My fashion sense has been described as
"They probably won't let you in like that" and
"Are those your pajamas?"
I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie.
Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake.
Apparently, when they say peace and love,
what they really mean is filthy and annoying.
To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship
status "it's complicated"
How can it be complicated?
Did he take your animal crackers?
 [1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: "Thank you but I'm not cold"
Me: [covering her awful dress] "Yes you are"
dry skin?, flaky scalp?
discoloration?, scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing?, legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is
that you are literally the Monday of my life.