Monday, October 12, 2015


Wake up...

[at dentist office]
Well you gave me this paper bib and said to
put it on how was I to know I wasn't supposed
to undress first.....
Brushed the fur off my couch and made
another cat.
A man seating on a window seat discovered
two engines on fire.
He began to holler, two engines on fire!
Two engines on fire!
The passengers began to panic.
Suddenly the pilot ran from the cockpit with
a parachute on his back.
“Don’t worry”!
He yelled. I’m going for help!
Helped my son flush his betta fish today.
He asked "Dad, does God love bettas?"
& I said "Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you."
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't
put a few nickles in the machine.
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by
falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark
attacks] ..No
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my
toaster and microwave?
70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?
One of the lesser known advantages of owning
a cat is that they will alert you if a red dot from
a sniper rifle appears on your body by frantically
jumping on you.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes,
he was about 6ft t....
Me: I'm gonna need a longer sheet of paper......