Monday, October 5, 2015


Need any Help??

I joined a gym recently.
I dont have the best history in the world of
sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like
this times gonna be different.
I figure one of two things is gonna happen:
either I'll get into shape, or Ill just resign myself
to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
I asked my mother, did you breast feed me when
I was born? and she said no I only liked you as
a friend..
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection,
I run and hide under the bed, so she knows
what that feels like.
I stepped on two raccoons today, but I'm just
gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers
for the rest of my life.
 [in church]
"And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for
your sins."
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation
collectively nods]
A car just rolled by blasting the "Duck Tales"
theme song so now I'm chasing after it and
trying to catch up with my new best friend..
 [airport check-in]
 Me: I'd like to check this in......
 Clerk: you'll have to take that on with you....
 Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine..
A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who
told him to take it one hour before sex.
The man collected his prescription and went
home to wait for his wife to get back from work.
An hour before she was due home, he took the
Viagra pill.
But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to
say that she wouldn't be in for another two and
a half hours.
In a panic, he phoned the doctor.
"What should I do?" he asked.
I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn
off by the time my wife gets home.
"I see," said the doctor.
"It is a pity to waste it.
Do you have a maid?
"Well, could you not occupy yourself with her
The man was silent for a few seconds, then
said "But I never need Viagra with the maid!"
When attacked by a bear, play dead.
Make his meal less stressful.
It's not all about you ..