••
♥
Halloween is by far the safest day to kill a
person and leave them in a chair on your front
porch.
••
Brenda was trying to get Samuel, 6, to go to
sleep.
"Otherwise you'll be irritable in the morning,"
Brenda said.
"How do you know?" Samuel asked.
Brenda answered, "I'm 34 and I know lots of
things."
Samuel said, "But Daddy is 35 and he knows
nothing!"
Brenda was trying to get Samuel, 6, to go to
sleep.
"Otherwise you'll be irritable in the morning,"
Brenda said.
"How do you know?" Samuel asked.
Brenda answered, "I'm 34 and I know lots of
things."
Samuel said, "But Daddy is 35 and he knows
nothing!"
••
After being laid off from five different jobs in
four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse.
But one day he lost control of a forklift and
drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his
head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent
of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" he asked.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" said Joe.
"I've finally got job security!"
four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse.
But one day he lost control of a forklift and
drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his
head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent
of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" he asked.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" said Joe.
"I've finally got job security!"
••
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!
Who's there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!
••
A woman stopped at a historic old hotel and
asked the desk clerk for the room rates.
“A room on the first floor is one hundred and
fifty dollars; on the second floor, one hundred
and forty dollars, and on the third floor,
one hundred and thirty dollars.”
The woman turned to leave.
“Don’t you like the accommodations?”
asked the clerk.
“Oh, yes, it’s great,” replied the woman.
“It just isn’t tall enough.”
asked the desk clerk for the room rates.
“A room on the first floor is one hundred and
fifty dollars; on the second floor, one hundred
and forty dollars, and on the third floor,
one hundred and thirty dollars.”
The woman turned to leave.
“Don’t you like the accommodations?”
asked the clerk.
“Oh, yes, it’s great,” replied the woman.
“It just isn’t tall enough.”
••
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats,
for they aresubtle and will piss on your computer."
for they aresubtle and will piss on your computer."
••
A woman walked up to the manager of a
department store. "Are you looking to hire any
help?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
"We already have all the employees we need."
"Great, then would you mind getting someone
to wait on me?" she snapped.
department store. "Are you looking to hire any
help?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
"We already have all the employees we need."
"Great, then would you mind getting someone
to wait on me?" she snapped.
••
At my mother-in-law's funeral my wife whispered
in my ear, "I'm gonna get you for this."
I don't know what she was so angry about.
Maybe it was because I was not sharing my
popcorn.
in my ear, "I'm gonna get you for this."
I don't know what she was so angry about.
Maybe it was because I was not sharing my
popcorn.
••
wife: "what on earth are you doing?"
me: "making a penguin"
wife: "that's a pigeon"
me: [opening freezer door] "not for long"..
me: "making a penguin"
wife: "that's a pigeon"
me: [opening freezer door] "not for long"..
••
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper,
and a guy comes over and asks "Are you
reading that?"
I didn’t know what to say.
So I said yes.
I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper,
and a guy comes over and asks "Are you
reading that?"
I didn’t know what to say.
So I said yes.
I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
••
I know I'm drinking myself
to a slow death. But then,
I'm in no hurry.
to a slow death. But then,
I'm in no hurry.
••••
