Down Hummingbird Lane

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My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me.
"It's not you," he said, looking around. "It's them."
 

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A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and
the passengers were holding on tight as it
rocked and reeled through the night.
A little old lady turned to a minister who was
sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of
God...... Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't.
I'm in sales, not management."

 

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I wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave
me when I was 12, I could really use it right now..

 

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they should get the scientists who work on
shampoo technology to move to more important
fields like cancer research.
Judging by commercials, they seem to be
making scientific breakthroughs at an
astounding rate.

 

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I met a hillbilly today..
He was wearing only 1 shoe..
I asked him if he had lost a shoe..
He said nope -- found one..

 

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My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised
when my credit card is declined.

 

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My neighbor told me he childproofed his house.
And the very next day his wife came home with
a newborn.
Worst. Childproofer....... Ever.

 

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A guy is trying to relax at home, but his wife
keeps nagging him to mow the lawn.
Finally, in between nags he blurts out, "Answer
just this one question for me."
She pauses momentarily, and he takes this
opportunity to say, "You know, a Deer, a Cow,
and a Horse, all eat grass.
But a Deer's excretions are pellets, while a
Cow makes flat pies, and a Horse makes
clumps...why is that?"
His wife says, "I don't know."
He replies, "Well then, how can you bring up
the subject of the lawn, when it's obvious you
don't know sh*t?"

 

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Me: your dress is too revealing...
Wife: wear your own clothes then.

 

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My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending
to be a detective... and that "we should split up"
"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover
more ground"

 

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