Saturday, October 3, 2015


DOCTOR: *stethoscope on my back*
Gimme a very slow exhale.
I can only please one person a day, and i
already pleased myself this morning..
so y'all are screwed!
A man went to his dentist because he feels
something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, "That new
upper plate I put in for you six months ago is
eroding..... What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is that about
four months ago my wife made some asparagus
and put some stuff on it that was delicious -
Hollandaise sauce.
I loved it so much I now put it on everything --
meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the
Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon
juice, which is highly corrosive.
It's eaten away your upper plate.
I'll make you a new plate, and this time use
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple.
Everyone knows that there's
no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing
before a doctor.
"I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna
die from it."
"Ridiculous," said the doctor.
"you'd never know if you had the disease or not.
With that ailment there's no discomfort of any
"Right," said Herman, "those are my exact
She leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers
the lights.
I go in for the kiss.
And now I'm being escorted out of the opticians.
A psychiatrist received a postcard from one
of his clients who was vacationing in Spain.
“I’m having a great time!”
“Wish you were here to tell me why.”
Of course I care about the environment.
I spray air freshener every time I leave the
restroom don't I?
Glad I'm not a military general,
because auto-correct just changed "lunch order"
to "launch order." 
Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?
"Five bucks, sir."
"And how much for my suitcase?"
"No charge for the suitcase, sir."
"Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."
I wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave
me when I was 12, I could really use it right now..