Wednesday, September 16, 2015



The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up..
[typing autopsy report after lunch]
weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and
part of a sandwich inside the victim..

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, "Well,that's not going to happen."
The last time someone wanted me for my body,
I was filling out an organ donor card.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Cool Morals:
1. Money is not everything.
There's also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals.
They are tasty too.
3. Save water.
Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy.
So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy.
So don't touch them.
6. Love your neighbor.
 But don't get caught.
7. Every one should marry because happiness
is not the only thing in life...
Can't find your children?
Try turning off the wifi.
They appear suddenly.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty
freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank
robbing disguise must have had one hell of a
speech to convince his buds to follow along.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise
I would have never known it's a hamburger..