Monday, August 31, 2015


You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache,
and suddenly she's not your friend anymore..
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law..
I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or
an attorney-at-pottery..
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk..
ME: [from cardboard box] i'm sorry come out of where..?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft..
A coach load of rednecks on a mystery tour decided to run
a sweepstake to guess where they were going..
The driver won $52.00!
The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark,
so the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by
playing a game in which they identified animals..
"I'm going to describe something to you..
Let's see if you can guess what it is..
First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees.."
The children looked at her blankly..
"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns.."
No response....... This wasn't going well at all!
Finally a kid volunteered:
"Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus....but it sure
sounds like a squirrel to me!"
Alcohol doesn't agree with me..
It thinks my wife is attractive.....
Is this one haunted.?
What about that one.?
"Ma'am, none of the booze is haunted.."
What kind of wine and spirits store is this.?!
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet..
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch
Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen..
 What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.l.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the
same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my
Etch-A-Sketch. ?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it..
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
A: Don't shake it..
"Nice" - first kangaroo to realize it had a pocket..