Down Hummingbird Lane

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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who
aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day..

My mom texted me asking what "DTF" meant and I told her
"Dedicated To Family"...I seriously can't wait for her to use it..

 

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and
asked the bartender:
 Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
 Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
 Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
 Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
 Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
 Bartender: "What's a 15?"
 Blonde: "7 and 7"

 

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A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
"I'm so happy to see you, Grandma..
Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising
us."
The grandmother was curious..
"What trick is that my dear?" she asked..
The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he
would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.."

 

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It's that time of the month when my wife is miserable and
you can't go anywhere near her..
She'll be okay in a few days though: that's when I get paid..
 

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Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road by a zebra
crossing..
 One says, "Don't cross here!"
The other one says, "Why not?"
The first one says, "Look what happened to this zebra!"

 

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On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby
and cry louder than it to assert your dominance..

 

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Breaking News.....
South Carolina just passed legislation banning the sale of
aspirin and
Tylenol anywhere in the state..
They said the reason is obvious..
Forcing people to pick cotton under the cap is racist!

 

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5-year-old: I'm supposed to find out more about my hero f
or school..
Me: Aw, you came to me..
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman.?

 

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