••
♥
A Sunday school teacher asked little Susie, "Who's your
favorite person in the Bible?"
Susie said, "King Solomon.."
"Can you tell us why?."
"Because he was so nice to ladies and to animals.."
"What do you mean?"
"He had six hundred wives and three hundred porcupines..
••
"I can't believe we're selling this house..
So many memories..
Man, if walls could talk..."
WALL: "I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster.."
So many memories..
Man, if walls could talk..."
WALL: "I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster.."
••
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on
his first assignment one day..
He submitted the following report to his editor..
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today..
She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her
breasts.."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying..
"This is a family paper..
We don't use words like breasts around here..
Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard..
Finally he handed the Editor the following report..
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today..
She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations
on her ( o )( o )..
his first assignment one day..
He submitted the following report to his editor..
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today..
She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her
breasts.."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying..
"This is a family paper..
We don't use words like breasts around here..
Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard..
Finally he handed the Editor the following report..
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today..
She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations
on her ( o )( o )..
••
Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.
••
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered
with snow..
The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs
twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars..
“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer,
“but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the
federal government.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided
to lower the highways.”
with snow..
The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs
twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars..
“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer,
“but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the
federal government.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided
to lower the highways.”
••
Three dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother
thinks..
To be as rich as his child believes..
To have as many women as his wife suspects....
thinks..
To be as rich as his child believes..
To have as many women as his wife suspects....
••
Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by
Texas Congressman Dick Armey when asked:
"If you had been in President Clinton's place,
would you have resigned?"
Armey responded: "If I were in the President's place,
I would not have gotten a chance to resign..
I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up
and listening to Mrs. Armey saying, "How do I reload this
damn thing?"
Texas Congressman Dick Armey when asked:
"If you had been in President Clinton's place,
would you have resigned?"
Armey responded: "If I were in the President's place,
I would not have gotten a chance to resign..
I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up
and listening to Mrs. Armey saying, "How do I reload this
damn thing?"
••
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie..
After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore..
After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore..
••
Now that oil is so cheap,
we should start drilling for black printer ink..
we should start drilling for black printer ink..
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