Sunday, August 2, 2015



Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally 
required to end every sentence with the phrase 
"but there's a good chance I'm wrong about that". 

An angry wife was complaining about her 
husband... spending so much of his free time 
in the local bar, so one night he took her 
along with him. 
"What'll you have?" he asked. 
"Oh, I don't know. 
The same as you I suppose," she replied. 
So, the husband ordered a couple of 
Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. 
His wife watched him, then took a sip from 
her glass and immediately spit it out. 
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. 
"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" 
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. 
"And you think I'm out enjoying myself 
every night!" 

How many monkeys does it take to chop down a tree? 
1 with the axe ..
and another to yell oooh eeeeyyy Ah Ah Ah! 

A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.
When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was 
ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. 
Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many 
virgins in heaven. 
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, 
"Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because 
people like you murdered them before they could 
experience the pleasure of sex. 
So you're here to service them. 
Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous 
and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. 
I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!" 
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with 
How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all 
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women? 

My wife was shocked when she found out I 
switched her vibrator with a taser. 

I was just sentenced to twenty years for my 
part in a timeshare fraud. 
I have to go to prison for two weeks every 
year for 10 years. 

I don't believe all those screwdrivers 
really belong to Philip. 

Recently one Congressman from a Bible belt 
congressional district...was asked about his 
attitude toward whiskey. 
The politician responded, "If you mean the 
demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes 
the body, desecrates family life, and inflames 
sinners, then I'm against it." 
He continued, "But if you mean the elixir of 
Christmas cheer, the shield against winter 
chill, the taxable potion that puts needed 
funds into public coffers to comfort little 
crippled children, then I'm for it. 
This is my position, and I will not compromise." 

I've been told I have a certain ineffable quality. 
But ladies, I think you'll find I'm totally effable if you 
drink enough beer. 

Post natal depression is a serious condition. 
I'm forty-six years old and my mom still bursts into 
tears every time she sees me.