••
♥
Flex's daughter said,
"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I
didn't understand.
He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a
fantastic bumper."
Flex said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood
and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his
nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start
leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
••
Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night..0000
He was so bad, a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out....
••
Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum.
They were arguing over the fact that their new gum
was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency.
One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to
add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".
The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No!
It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"
••
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic
messages.
That's nothing, because if you play it forwards,
it installs Windows....
••
40% of North American teens can't even find ISIS on a map.
Talk about ignorant.....
••
Have you heard about Chuck Norris's new bear rug?
The bear is still alive--just too scared to move...
••
College graduates, did you know there are people
that went to Princeton that can't find a job?
And you just went to a normal shitty school.
••
I'll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that
well if his parents would've coughed up the
money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
••
Lion King is my favorite movie about an innocent
baby animal being framed for murder.
••
"You're going to love my friend.
He's hilarious." is still the best way to know
you're about to meet an annoying person.
••
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday
fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
••
I just whispered Beetlejuice 3 times and Michael
Keaton showed up and asked for a job.
••••
