Tuesday, April 21, 2015


Flex's daughter said, 
"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I 
didn't understand. 
He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a 
fantastic bumper." 
Flex said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood 
and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his 
nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start 
leaking out of his exhaust pipe." 

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night..0000
He was so bad, a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out....

Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. 
They were arguing over the fact that their new gum 
was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. 
One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to 
add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".
The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! 
It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic 
That's nothing, because if you play it forwards, 
it installs Windows.... 

40% of North American teens can't even find ISIS on a map. 
Talk about ignorant.....

Have you heard about Chuck Norris's new bear rug? 
The bear is still alive--just too scared to move... 

College graduates, did you know there are people 
that went to Princeton that can't find a job? 
And you just went to a normal shitty school. 

I'll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that 
well if his parents would've coughed up the 
money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter. 

Lion King is my favorite movie about an innocent 
baby animal being framed for murder. 

"You're going to love my friend. 
He's hilarious." is still the best way to know 
you're about to meet an annoying person.  

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday 
fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight. 

I just whispered Beetlejuice 3 times and Michael 
Keaton showed up and asked for a job.