Tuesday, January 13, 2015



The  Golden Globes taught us that, 
no matter how much you spend on surgery, 
nobody looks good while sweaty...

I go to a lot of married ladies' funerals and play 
the part of an upset lover just to mix things up 
and for free shrimp..... 

I am "cool" and "chill" and "stuck inside the 
walk in freezer." 

I'm on a seafood diet..... 
If I see food and it's a fish I eat it

I just watched the new trailer for the Star Wars 
film then thought, why are the Sith Lords carrying 
Turns out it was an Islamic State training video. 

Spray Pam on your underwear. 
Shit don't stick to that stuff....

Employer: So, do you think you can handle a 
variety of work? 
Applicant: Absolutely. 
I've had six different jobs in the past year. 

What's long and hard that a 
Polish bride gets on her wedding night? 
A new last name. 

This Guy walks into his boss’s office. 
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy 
isn’t great, but I have over three companies after 
me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally 
agrees to a 5% raise, and the Guy happily gets up 
to leave. 
“By the way”, asks the boss as the guy was leaving, 
“which three companies are after you?” 
“The electric company, water company, and 
phone company”, He replied. 

Be careful when you blindly follow the masses. 
Sometimes the M is silent.

'I finally have the body I want. 
It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really 
sh-tty body.'