Friday, January 9, 2015




The worst part of quitting drinking is 
how few excuses you have for your behavior. 

This morning I heard a knock on my door.
When I answered it, I saw these 2 penguins. 
They looked at me and said, "can we come in, 
we're cold?" 
I said, "No, your penguins, you're used to this, 
get out of here." 
So I shooed them away. 
A minute later a lady in a red minivan stopped 
and asked me, "have you seen my two twin boys? 
They are 3 year olds dressed in tuxedoes?" 

Bought a new can of pine scented bathroom 
But it still smells like a bear took a shit in the 

A Texan is in France when he sees the Eiffel 
He asks the tour guide, "How many barrels a 
day do you get out of her?". 

Jack decided to tie the knot with his longtime 
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was 
assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt. 
His wife was standing there at the bench 
watching him. 
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. 
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are 
married I think it's time you quit hunting, 
shooting, handloading, and fishing. 
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat". 
Jack gets this horrified look on his face. 
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" 
”There for a minute you were sounding like my 
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you 
were married before!" 
”I wasn't “ 

I've been trying to find out from the wife 
all week how her treatment went for frigidity. 
She's remaining tight lipped though. 

If she says "well you're too busy to chat so have 
a good day.."
what she means is she hopes it's a good day for 
your hair to catch on fire. 

Something to think about:  the long-term 
implications of drugs and medical procedures 
must be fully considered.  
Over the past few years, more money has been 
spent on breast implants and Viagra than
was spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.  
It is believed that by the year 2030, there will 
be a large number of people wandering
around with huge breasts and erections who 
can't remember what to do with them.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?

Ever see a Yahoo Bird? 
AZ state bird. 
No tails feathers and great big balls and every 
time they land on a cactus they holler 

A woman came home to find her husband in 
the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a 
dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist 
towards the electric kettle. 
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly 
current, she whacked him with a handy plank 
of wood, breaking his arm in two places. 
Up to that moment, he had been happily 
listening to his Walkman. 

Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake....
I slipped in the shower, these things happen...