One of the hardest parts of being a parent is
discovering that your 10 year old is better than
you at every video game ever.
Sometimes, I question my sanity.
Sometimes, it replies.
I was just cleaning the snow off my car
when my neighbor came out...
"What do you think you are doing?" She asked.
"Just wiping the snow off my windows, love."
"Put my damn cat down!" She screamed.
I found out that Jennifer Lopez
has her bum insured for $300 million...
Just wait till Lloyd's of London find out that
there's a hole in it!
In the event of a zombie apocalypse...
you'll be fine, they only eat brains....
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for
the first time was being wined and dined by
the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in
American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami,
anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and
return with a glass of water, but then came the
time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my
water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,"
stammered the wretched Abdul,
"A man is sitting on the well!"
My wife was so sick this morning, I had to carry
her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand
accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get
off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Do not be racist; be like Mario.
He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the
Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican,
jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a
I hope when they find the cure for cancer,
it's gluten free, otherwise no thanks.