Sunday, December 21, 2014



His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play 
Candy Crush. 

Whenever I recieve a gift card for Christmas, 
I can't help but feel as though the person is trying 
to tell me, "I would just give you the money, 
but I know that you'll just spend it on alcohol". 

When I'm driving I listen to the country station 
because it makes me want to get to my 
destination faster. 

My alarm clock stopped working, so I'll be setting 
the microwave for 8 hours while I sleep on the 
kitchen floor. 

What's the difference between a genealogist and 
a gynecologist? 
A genealogist looks up the family tree and a 
gynecologist looks up the family bush.

My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off 
that there is no actual monkey in the monkey 

A boy got a job bagging groceries at a 
One day, the store put in a machine for squeezing 
The boy asked if he could work that job. 
"Sorry," said his boss, 
"but baggers can't be juicers." 

Pizza places should give away free pizza car 
Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL 
crave pizza. 

Batman: "Shall we watch a film?"
Superman: "Have you got Cape Fear?"
Batman: "Only in revolving doors. 
Now, a film?"

A guy is driving happily along in his car with his 
girlfriend when he is pulled over by the State 
The officer approaches him and asks, "Have you 
been drinking, Sir?" 
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?" 
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving 
It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat 
that made me suspicious."  

Sometimes in life you have to give the people 
around you a little push, into traffic.