Tuesday, November 25, 2014



A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before 
Thanksgiving dinner. 
The family members bowed their heads in 
He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his 
friends, naming them one by one. 
Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, 
brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his 
aunts and uncles. 
Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. 
He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the 
fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, 
the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited -- 
and waited. 
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up 
at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for 
the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

No person really decides before they grow up 
who they're going to marry. 
God decides it all way before, and you get to 
find out later who you're stuck with.
        -- Kristen, age 10

If you think you have a stupid question, 
just remember NASA engineers once asked 
Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 
day mission. 

My love life has been so bad I decided to call one 
of those phone-sex numbers. 
Just my luck, they put me on hold. 
I waited and waited, and when I finally got 
through the girl says, "Not tonight.... 
I have an earache." 

In a small town, farmers of the community had 
gotten together to discuss some important issues. 
About midway through the meeting, a wife of
one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.
When she was done, one of the old farmers stood 
up and said, “What does she know about 
I would like to ask her if she knows how many 
toes a pig has?”
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, 
“Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!”

My wife was complaining that I was excluding
her from my online life, so I gently took her hand 
in mine and used her finger to scroll. 

Honesty is the best policy, unless you're trying 
to return something that you've already worn.

I asked my wife, "Where are my blue 
"How am I supposed to know?" she replied, 
"They'll be wherever you left them."
"Of course," I said, putting my coat on, 
"I'll be back in 10 minutes then."

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear 
her broomstick! 

There's no pleasing my wife sometimes. 
She wanted help with the housework so I got my 
girlfriend to come around and she went mental. 

It's almost that time of night where I drunk text 
my ex...
"I have to tell you something" then shut my 
phone off.