••
♥
Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start
itching.
God: Alright, but wouldn't it be funny if they
couldn't reach their backs?
••
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more
people show up.
Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone
that was coming is now dead.
••
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit
your way into justifying it, someone out there
will be like "oh yeah, I totally get it."
••
We're in the exact point of climate change as
when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn't
looked down yet....
••
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to
spell?
Like if you're talking about them, you aren't
having a rough enough time already.
••
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children
just learning about numbers.
"Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?"
SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
••
Look, that frog is wearing open-toad shoes.
••
From WTTC News in Dallas , we get this
heartwarming tale of a long-time criminal,
33year old Deyfon Pipkin, who tried to climb in
a window of a Texas home.
The elderly owner occupant saw him and fired
one shot, ending Deyfon's criminal career.
As the police do, they came by to investigate,
gathered the corpse, then went to notify Deyfon's
family of his unfortunate demise.
It seems that the family was very upset, because
they showed up at the scene.
"He could have used a warning," Lakesha
Thompson, Pipkins' sister-in-law, complained.
"He could have let him know that he did have a
gun on his property and he would use it in
self-defense."
COMMENT FROM THE SIDELINE:
"That's certainly true, Lakesha.
He could also have invited him in and given him
a beer, then helped him cart the TV out to the
curb".
"Unfortunately for Deyfon,Texas is a Castle
Doctrine state, and the homeowner chose to
shoot Deyfon, as is right and proper to do in
Texas ..
"For that matter, Lakesha, you could have warned
Deyfon.
Why didn't YOU tell him: 'Deyfon, yo' needs to
quit breakin' into those peoples' houses and
stealin they shit.
Someone is goins to pop a cap in yo' ass.'
"In light of the steadily increasing cost of
ammunition, coupled with the rising scarcity of
ammunition, a warning shot is a frivolous and
unnecessary expense."
"And, in this case a substantial savings of
taxpayer money was a side result...
no investigation expense, no jail time awaiting
trial, no expense of a trial, and no prison costs
after sentencing'"
••
[at doctors office]
Can you cough for me please?
*coughs*
Again, please
*coughs*
I see,
I see.
I'm afraid you have a cough....
••
I'm more afraid of the shitty music my family is
going to play at my funeral than I am of dying.
••••
