••
♥
What is a hooker in Alaska called?
A frostitute!
••
A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked
twelve miles, one way, to the general store.
"Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner.
"Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up
there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way.... Why?"
"Got something to show you.
Something to make fire.
It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this.....
If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says,
taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh..
Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your
pants every time I want a fire."
••
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.
One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!
••
Camping ....
Son: "Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?"
Dad: "No."
Son: "OK."
Dad: "Hold still."
Son: "What're you putting on me?"
Dad: "Sunscreen."
Son: "It smells like ketchup."
Dad: "Shhh"
••
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a
prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no
pubic hair.
The man shouted, "What, no wool?
In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want
to do, knit or have sex?"
••
Did you hear about the blonde that got excited?
She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months,
when the box said, "two to four years....
••
Your momma is so fat that when she walks
outside with a yellow shirt on everyone yells....
"Taxi"
••
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do
all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now,
Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're
just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical
term so I can tell my wife."
••
Don't you hate it when you're so high that
simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult?
Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
••
How did we get to the point where were paying
for bottled water?
That must have been some weird marketing
meeting over in France.
Some French guys sitting there, like, How dumb
do I think the Americans are?
I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
••
Life is a little easier for attractive people.
Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and
they're attractive, you think, Oh, they're nice,
but if a strangers ugly, you're like, What do they
want?
Get away from me, weirdo.
••••
