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''Politics is the art of looking for trouble,
finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly,
and applying the wrong remedies.''
—Groucho Marx
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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys.
They are all on different limbs at different
levels.
Some are climbing up.
Some are climbing down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a
tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see
nothing but a bunch of a**holes.
••
The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts..
1.Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
2.Teeth removing Taffy
3.Metamucil in a straw
4.Ex-Lax Brownies
5.Caramel Covered Zucchini
6.Colored Crisco on a Stick
7.Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
8.Chocolate Covered Prunes
9.A Handful of Red Man
10.Anything that ticks!
••
I have an answering machine in my car.
It says: I'm home now,but leave a message and
I'll call when I'm out.
••
A strained voice called out through the
darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in
the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand
next to her,"Good, are any of you doctors single
and interested in a date with a good,
Jewish girl?"
••
Salt Lake City is No. 1 in the world in Jell-O
consumption.
Says Jay Leno, "But LA is still No. 1 if you
include recreational use.
You know -- naked wrestling, Jell-O shots."
••
There was a group of women at a seminar on
how to live in a loving relationship with your
husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you
love your husbands?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time
you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday,
some didn't remember.
The women were then told to take their phones
and send the following text:
"I love you, sweetheart."
Then the women were told to exchange phones
and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!!???
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how
much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is
actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not to drink
during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??
••
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant,
what is on the outside?
K9P.
••
A guy comes home in the middle of the day,
finds his wife standing in the middle of their
deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high
heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" he asks.
"I think the waterbed busted," says the
trembling wife.
Just then a guy floats by.
"Who's that?" demands the husband.
"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."
••
Getting married is very much like going to
the restaurant with friends....
You order what you want, and when you see
what the other fellow has, you wish you had
ordered that.
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