Sunday, May 31, 2009

Good Morning......Dear Readers.....Having a good weekend?
It's good down Hummingbird Lane way....

I expect theirs is just as bad.......

Fish for breakfast.....a nice one too......

Hummers are around.........

A sleepy head........

You know who you are......................................

Ride the big cat.......just don't make him mad.........

This one's just chilling......................

That little lady is strong........

Yep....stop for the stool bus....ha ha
~~~ My hearing had gotten worse, and ultimately I was faced with a decision: buy a pontoon boat, which I could enjoy all summer, or get a hearing aid.
The choice was obvious, to me at least.
However, my sisters did not approve of the boat.
One day during lunch with them, I was having trouble following the conversation.
Finally I leaned over to one of my sisters and asked what had just been said.
"You should have brought along your pontoon boat," she replied.

~~~ I'm a life-and-career coach and one morning, when a prospective client called for an appointment, I asked him what he wanted to get out of our sessions.
"Clarity," he said very firmly.
"And on what issues are you looking for clarity?" I probed.
"Well," he said in a less confident tone, "I really don't know."

~~~ The problem with riverboat gambling is that you can't tell if you're queasy from losing your money or getting seasick.

~~~ A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant.
The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five year old...
"Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

~~~ While I waited in our high school health office, I overheard another student explain to the nurse how badly his eyes hurt.
"My head is spinning," he moaned.
"and I can't see straight."
After listening to his ailments for ten minutes, even the often skeptical nurse was convinced.
"I am calling your mother to come pick you up," she said, dialing the telephone.
"Oh that won't be necessary," the student instantly replied.
"I can drive myself home."

~~~ One rainy morning, wife went for her daily run.
As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway.
I called the paramedics.
When they arrived, they asked her some questions to determine her coherency.
"What is today?" inquired one man.
Without hesitation, the Wife replied, "Trash day."

~~~ I teach English as a second language to adult immigrants.
One day, I asked my class if anyone ever dreamt in English.
I got puzzled looks as my students tried to understand what a dream was and what I meant by my question.
So I asked it again.
This Juan, a Spanish speaker, nodded his head."
Really?" I said. "When you dream, you dream in English?"
"Yes!" Juan replied.
"Amazing!" I said. "
If you dream in your second language, that means you have assimilated it.
That usually doesn't happen for many years.
Are you sure you dream in English?"
"Yes, yes," he insisted, "but I don't understand what I'm dreaming!"

~~~ During a CPR training class, we were paired up to practise the Heimlich manoeuvre.
The instructor set the scene by saying, "Imagine you're at a dinner party with your spouse and he or she starts choking."
He then reminded us not to do anything to people who were coughing, because they'd probably dislodge the obstruction their own.
We were to calm such victims with quiet talk and encourage them to continue coughing.
When the role playing began, one woman moved close to her coughing "husband."
She placed a hand on his shoulder and whispered, "Honey, did you remember to mail your life insurance premium cheque last week?"

~~~ Pete lost his cell phone while on a business trip, so he panicked the following week when he thought he'd left his Blackberry at a restaurant.
After a frantic search, he was relieved to hear it ringing in his desk.
His relief was short lived, however.
On the line was the restaurant, calling him to let him know he'd left his credit card there.

~~~ A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application. "Do you have references?" she asked.
The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
Today's Thought: Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


Saturday, May 30, 2009

Good morning.....everyone......Get ready...set go!
The weekend is here...

You an't right!......

Yeh....I bet!..........not "Hole" but "HOLES".......

Oppps.......Gotta let the body down........

Grandma's going to the store.........

Their all "knoted" up.......

Hey....."Carol" a horse picture for you......

Nice shopping cart..........

What can I say?.......
~~~ "Bobbie" was having a tea party on the lawn with her children.
A neighbor said, "How can you find time for a tea party when you have three small kids?"
She smiled and said, "They'll always remember our tea parties, but they'll never remember if their clothes were ironed or clean!"

~~~ Gus: I heard a new joke the other day.
I wonder if I told it to you.
Bobbie: Was it funny?
Gus: Yes.
Bobbie: You didn't.

~~~ The day before my graduation from high school, the principal called an assembly.
He wanted to say farewell informally, he explained, as he reviewed our years together.
There was hardly a dry eye among us as he concluded, "We will remember you, and hope you will remember us, more importantly, we want you to remember each other.
I want all of you to meet in this very auditorium 25 years from today."
There was a moment of silence; then a thin voice piped up, "What time?"

~~~ As a high-school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports.
A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.
When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.
"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"
The flustered kid replied, "Three."

~~~ Gus: I was down at the lake and I saw a catfish.
Pete: How did it hold the rod?

~~~ A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.
I called several hotels, with no luck.
Finally I thought I had found one.
I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No" she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there.

~~~ Our neighbor had hired a great lawn-care guy who was a man of few words.
When she asked him for his name, he replied, "I go by Manitiuls."
When it came time to pay him, she said, "You have an unusual name.
Could you spell it for me?"
He looked a little confused but slowly said, "A.J."

~~~ The Economy is soooo Bad...
* CEO's are now playing miniature golf..
* Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM..
* McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer..
* Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names..
* A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico..
* The most highly-paid job is now jury duty..
* Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting..
* People in Africa are donating money to Americans..
* Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"..
* Motel Six won't leave the light on ..

~~~ Right now as you sit reading this, more than 100,000,000 microcreatures are swimming, feeding, reproducing, and depositing waste inside that area behind your lips.
Todays thought: How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Friday, May 29, 2009

Good Morning....Friends....and a "Special friend"....
Ready for a great weekend?

Pouring down rain yesterday afternoon.......

"Witchy"....throw some sardines out for them.....

Their saying: what are them....birds.?


This one is just chilling out.........


Need a bike?


Man, was he thirsty........


Baby's hungery, and wants you to feed her......


Well, time to put my shoes on, and leave you to the jokes......



~~~ QUESTION: When Gus dies, why will they bury him 600 feet underground?
ANSWER: Because deep down, he's a really nice guy.

~~~ Now that I'm over 50, younger teammates have begun to tease me about my declining abilities as a softball player.
During one game, I was playing third base when a batter ripped a shot over my head, I leapt as high as I could, but the ball tipped off the end of my glove and fell safely for a hit.
At the end of inning, I was heading for the dugout when our left fielder caught up with me.
"That much!" he called, holding his thumb and forefinger a few inches apart.
"I know." I replied....... "I almost had it."
"No," he said..... "I mean that's how far you got off the ground."

~~~ I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up............. Now I don't know what to feed it.

. ~~~ I've been getting.. death threats from a gang of midget terrorists.
So I got a bullet proof car........ But since they're midgets, I got a convertible..

. ~~~ Students at UVA, proved once and for all that the computer just can't replace human calculations.
They held an "IBM mixer" dance, where each student fed his vital statistics and interests into a computer and was then paired off with a member of the opposite sex who, the computer said, was most suited to him.
Imagine the chagrin of one coed who ended up with her twin brother.

. ~~~ The church in our neighborhood sported a beautiful banner to celebrate Christianity in the year 2009.
Above the huge front door the cloth banner read, "Open wide the doors to Christ."
Directly below, taped to the door, a smaller sign was posted: "Please help us conserve energy. Use other doors."

. ~~~ Wine, for the very eloquent people: "I don't know whether to have the red wine with the fish or chicken.
"What's it matter?..... They're dead!
The chicken's not going to reach up from the plate, and go, "The red Wine!"

. ~~~ As a policeman, I occasionally work off-duty as a security officer in stores.
I was handling crowd control for a going-out-of-business sale, and people were massed around the two cash registers.
Determined to establish order, I climbed onto the checkout counter and announced, "Please, I want to organize you into two lines, one for each register.
Remember, you all can't be first—someone has to be second."
A woman in back raised her hand and called out, "I volunteer to be second!"

. ~~~ During a recent meeting of our Optimists' Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance.
This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day."
It was submitted by our local funeral director.
Todays Thought: I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Good morning everyone.....
Another friend passed last weekend.....Makes you wonder???

Yah....that would help.........

Real Art.....looks real.....he's gotta be good........


Hogs fly???...


He's staying cool.........


Thats just the money you could be saving with..............


Wait until she gets up..........


I didn't know they could do this...........


Cool. but I wouldn't ride in it here....too many trucks and big SUV's....
Thats just a speed bump to them........

~~~ The new phone book arrived with a handy blank emergencynumber form attached to the front page.
I guess everyone's notion of an emergency is different.
The categories for phone numbers were listed in this order:
1. Pizza,
2. Takeout Restaurants,
3. Taxi,
4. Poison Control,
5. Doctor.

~~~ Captain Kirk and Bones discover the body of the Pillsbury Doughboy on a far away, swelteringly hot planet.
Bones examines the corpse, turns to Kirk and solemnly says, "He's bread, Jim."

~~~ Gus: You've helped me a lot, doctor.
A year ago, when the phone rang, I wouldn't have answered it.
DOCTOR: You've made great progress.
Gus: That's right.......
Today I answer the phone whether it rings or not.

~~~ I have become very cholesterol-conscious and am trying to change the family's eating habits.
We are now consuming lots of oat bran, and I've substituted turkey for most of the meats we used to enjoy.
I use ground turkey in spaghetti sauce and we eat turkey hot dogs.
My 18-year-old daughter was getting tired of all the turkey and cholesterol talk.
One day she came home from school and asked the usual, "What's for dinner?"
"Chicken," I replied.
With a tired sigh she inquired, "Real chicken or turkey chicken?"

~~~ On our way to the United States, we had to stop at the border for an agricultural inspection.
We had been to the same border check before, but this time the inspector's line of questioning was a bit different.
"Are you folks carrying any citrus fruit, citrus plants or citrus seeds, or any cotton, cotton plants or cotton seeds?"
"No sir," I answered."
Are you carrying any ham or tuna sandwiches?
"No," I replied.
"Any fried chicken?"
"No, officer," I said.
"Is there a new restriction on these items in United States?"
"No, not really," he sighed.
"It's just that I left my lunch at home this morning, and it's getting close to noon."
We happily gave him two bologna sandwiches, and went on our way.

~~~ BUCK: If you were hiking in the woods and saw a bear heading for you, would you keep walking--or would you run back to town?
Gus: I'd run back to town.
BUCK: With a bear behind!

~~~ Not everyone gets how insurance works.
As I was helping an employee with his life insurance policy, I asked, "And who would you like to be the beneficiary?"
He replied, "Me"

~~~ Driving along on a sunny day with her young granddaughter by her side, my sister was on top of the world.
"Grandma," said the girl, "is Grandpa a lot older than you?"
"A few years, yes," she said.
Then, fishing for a compliment, she inquired, "Why do you ask?"
"Well, his mustache is a lot bigger than yours."

~~~ I was part of an amnesiacs support group....... but couldn't remember where the meetings were held.

Todays thought: Old surgeons don't die -- they just cut out.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Good Morning....friends.....Well the rain from Florida has moved
up here to us.... I guess "Witchy" sent it up!! Thanks......

Mom, and he baby??

Now here's cute baby's........

Yes! you can't get by the forcefield......ha-ha

Sun's out is it......

He wants it bad.....

Pools alittle small......but I guess it will cool you off.....

Bath time??

I don't think he wants any bath..... and he's got careful....
~~~ My father came home and told us that he'd been fired.
His company had replaced him with a machine that was able to do everything he could, but do it much, much better.
The tragic thing was, my mother went out and bought one too.

~~~ "President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantánamo Bay.
He's going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership." (Jay Leno)

~~~ The voice-dictation program of my heart doctor purchased for his computer often misinterpreted words.
Once, the Doc dictated, "Recommend CAT scan if symptoms persist."
The program typed out, "Recommend casket if symptoms persist."


~~~ Gus: "For months I thought I was a dog, but my psychiatrist cured me.
"Pete; "How are you now?"
Gus; "Fine. Feel my nose."

~~~ Getting angry can sometimes be like leaping into a wonderfully responsive sports car, gunning the motor, taking off at high speed, and then discovering the brakes are out of order.

~~~ Every four minutes on television you see a brand-new pharmaceutical commercial.
A new drug comes out, they make a sixty-second spot.
The first fifty seconds they tell you how wonderful this drug is.
The last ten seconds you get a list of side effects far worse than any disease I can ever imagine. And I for one do not want menstrual cramps.

~~~ During an overseas flight to Europe, my grandmother became uncomfortably hot in the girdle she was wearing.
She went to the washroom and removed it, and popped it into her large purse.
However, changing flights at Heathrow Airport she realized to her horror that the security man was opening everyone’s carry-on bags for inspection.
When it was her turn, she sheepishly explained, "It was so hot, I removed it and put it in my bag."
With a twinkle in his eye, he said, "Yes, and it’s still smoking."

~~~ The patient who came to my radiology office for abdominal X-rays was already heavily sedated.
But I still had to ask her a lot of questions, the last one being, "Ma'am, where is your pain right now?"
Through her medicated fog, she answered, "He's at work."

Todays Thought: Remember that "average" is simply the best of the poorest and the
poorest of the best.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Good Morning.....Every one have a good Holiday ?
We got rain in the afternoon, and this morning....


Must be the wedding cake........

Stop photo....looks like a hat......

Snow cat........pretty...

New baby......?

Card shark?...

Penguin army getting ready to take over the world.......

Potato heads.........

I can relate....... except for the beer....mines food.....(Cheese curls)



~~~ What do you do when you're barely competent and can't make it anywhere else?
You go to Washington.

~~~ My elder son, Art was asked to be a ring bearer at a family wedding when he was five years old.
I tried to explain to him what a ring bearer was to see if he would like to do it.
All the while, my four-year-old son, Roy, was listening intently.
After I'd finished my explanation and Art said he wanted to do it.
Roy piped up: "If Art is going to be a ring bear, can I be a ring horse?"

~~~ Did you hear about the boy who slept with his head under the pillow?
When he woke up, he discovered the Tooth Fairy had taken all his teeth.

~~~ The husband is talking to his wife regarding their very young son.
"I think he's ready to start using the computer.
He just said 'Google'!"

~~~ When a Army ROTC cadet was kept out of Airborne school because of poor grades, his grandfather was confused.
"Wait a minute," he said to his grandson.
"You're telling me that these days you have to be smart to jump out of an airplane?"

~~~ Hurrying to finish her shopping, a young woman slipped on the wet pavement and fell to the ground.
A passing vicar helped her to her feet, saying, "This is the first time I have picked up a fallen woman!"
To which she replied, "And this is the first time I have been picked up by a man of the cloth."

~~~ A portion of the water you drink has already been drunk by someone else, maybe several times over.

~~~ As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the local zoo, I occasionally receive thank-you notes from the young members of school groups.
One of my favorites said: "Dear Gus, I am in Grade 3.
I loved all the animals in the zoo.
You were the best of all.... Love, Theresa."

~~~ "Electricity can be dangerous," Gus once remarked.
"My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug.
Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor.
I told him he was grounded."

~~~ One of our projects at military leadership school called for us to speak in front of the class on a topic picked by our instructor.
A classmate gave an impassioned speech on the benefits of drinking liquor.
Alcohol, he insisted, warded off colds, kept you alert, and even made you steadier on your feet.
"Good job," said our instructor when he finished.
"Only one thing: Your topic was the benefits of drinking liquids, not liquor."
Todays Thought: The young man who stands on his own two feet has probably failed his driving test.