Sunday, April 10, 2016


Cashier: what's with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks
with my cat.
Apparently "naked" is not the answer when someone
mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're
doing right now?
They're playing on their phone.
Everyone is playing on their phone.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put "We Trust In God"
on our money....
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas
and it's still printing.
ME: I've expressed this political opinion so clearly,
there's no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is
letting you know they're not here for discussions about
etiquette or anything really.....
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady
while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks:
“Then why did you eat him?”
How do I collect my change at the gas station if I buy 1
gallon of gas at 1.99 9/10ths and hand the cashier 2.00?


Saturday, April 9, 2016


Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be
two letters it doesn’t contain?
Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
There's way too much blood in my alcohol system today...
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice
whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles
can last you two days.'
Yo momma's so fat, she played the role of the boulder
in the first Indiana Jones movie.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ.
Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder,
but still pretty excited.
I'm gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly
contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
Q: Why did President Obama get two terms?
A: Because every black man gets a longer sentence.
Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich?
Never mind, it's just a bunch of bologna.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready
to accept that it needs help.



Friday, April 8, 2016


Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except
the woman is facing the other way.
I went back to my local pet store and said:
"I want my money back for this budgie sunbed !"
The guy said: "That's a toaster-oven you moron."
My Doctor has a great stress test. It's called the bill"
Hotel ...
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have
the plate he usually eats from."
Learn from your mistakes.
Make better & better mistakes until you're making the
best mistakes possible.
What do you give an Elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room.
I really don't mind my wife's fat ass.....
except when I have to pry her out of the loveseat.
except when she rolls over onto my side of the bed.
except when the only thing left in the frig
 is a box of baking soda.
except when she shits her diaper.
except when I'm constantly having the doorjams repaired.
except when I had to carry her over the threshold...
with a backhoe.
Maybe bears only like honey so much becuase their throats
hurt from all the growling they do....
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the
good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years
ago and never restocked them.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk,
of course it was when I was turning green from drinking
too much, but still…
A study of economics usually reveals that the
best time to buy anything is last year.


Thursday, April 7, 2016


*walks in on home intruder...
"omg please don't look at the dust!"
This world would be a much better place if some people's
mothers would've just had a headache....
A wife tells her husband while watching a
Mexican TV series, "Look, how much he loves her…"
"Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"
Always live on the bottom floor it's further from heaven
and harder for God to see you sinning....
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. '
Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our
extra money into it'.
I tried to take my wife hunting with me the other day.
We didn't go because she refused to dress up like a moose.
A grandmother arrives and her grandson says-----
I'm so happy to see you grandma----now maybe Daddy
will do the trick he keeps promising.
 What trick is that? the Gradma said
The boy says:
Daddy said that if you came to stay with us again--
he was going to climb the walls.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the
escape key.
I like to combine danger with awkwardness by falling
up stairs....
While on a date, a teen boys car starts
to sputter and comes to a halt on an isolated
road on a moonlit light.
The boy says--that's funny, I wonder what that
knocking was?
The smart girl says: Well, I can tell you one thing
for sure--it wasn't opportunity.
“The only thing common between a stork and an
obstetrician is the long bill.”

Wednesday, April 6, 2016



Last week I got eczema, diarrhea, and hemorrhoids.
It's the first time I ever won a game of Scrabble.
A reporter asks a 101 yr old man--to what
do you attribute your long life?
I don't rightly know yet he replied----
I'm still negotiating with 2 breakfast food companies.
"I'd move heaven and earth to break 100,"
puffed the rookie golfer as he thrashed away at
the ball in deep rough.
"Try heaven," advised his playing partner.
"I think you've already moved enough earth."
 FRIEND: what was the best day of your life
 WIFE: our wedding day
 ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave
me 2 cans instead of 1)
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder
what you just said?
ME: I'll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor*
Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
A 6 yr old runs up and down a supermarket
aisle yelling frantically--Marian--Marian!!
Finally reunited with his mother--she scolds him:
You shouldn't call me Marian--after all--I'm your Mother.
I know he says---but the supermarket is full of Mothers....

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't
get orange.
No weirdos.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness
changed his statement after giving it to the police,
he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.
"For example," the judge said, "when I entered my
chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch
in my pocket, then I remembered that I had left it on my
nightstand in my bedroom."
When the judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked,
"Why so much urgency for your watch?
Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you
was a bit extreme?"
"What?" exclaimed the judge.
"I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people.
What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," replied his wife,
"after all, he knew exactly where it was."