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♥

 

99 yrs......
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped..
 me: killing then
 judge: yeah the killing..
 

••
I'm extremely grateful that spiders don't scream back.

 

••

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury
Easter Bunny's ears then broke off its head.
I'm sleeping with the lights on....

••
I always see homeless people walking around with cups
of change.
I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking
money all the time.

 

••

Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys.
My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.

 

••

*burst into doctor's office*
 ME: I'm no longer canstopetid
 DOCTOR: You mean constipated
 ME: No I've had a vowel movement
 DOCTOR: Get out....

 

••

This is America.
It is my God given right to be loudly opinionated about
something I am completely ignorant of.

 

••

Q: What the difference between your first and second
honeymoon?
A: Niagara and Viagra.

 

••

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan.
So I did what any American would do.
I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix....

 

••

A dog slowly rolls past you in a red plastic baby car.
This is a bad neighborhood......
 

••
scientist: he's going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[ my clone trips stepping out of the machine ]
holy shit .....

 

••••

 

 

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♥

 

“A friend of mine found out he has the bird flu.
He thinks he was a victim of fowl plague.”

 

••

A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom
when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here
with me.
This is only a one-seater!"

 

••

Confusus say .....
You can pick your nose, and you can pick your ass.
 But don't pick your ass and then pick your nose.

 

••

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having
trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor...
"The patch," he replied, "the nurse told me to put on a new
one every six hours and I've run out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what
he hoped he wouldn't see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

••

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life...
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

 

••

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them...

 

••

All these knights going on a quest for the Holy Grail was
a waste.
They should've just asked their moms.
Moms can find anything.

 

••

What Does The Philosophy Major Say A Year After
He Graduates?
"Would you like fries with that?"

 

••

I came from a very poor family.
The only time I tasted meat was when I bit my tongue.
 

••
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it
in the backyard but you don't remember where.
Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

 

 

••••

 

 

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♥

 

During the day I don't believe in ghosts, But at night
I'm a little bit more open minded......
 

••
Birthdays are okay, but too many can kill you.

 

••

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

 

••

wife *resting after surgery*
 me
 wife
 me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon]
They didn't have any that said "Get Well Soon"...

 

••

We were so poor, all I had to wear as a boy
were hand-me-downs.
Sadly, I had five older sisters.

 

••

ME: Dave's coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I'm having a secret affair
with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe*.... I don't eat peas..
 

 

••
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so
there's no evidence that we live like circus monkeys
the other 364 days of the year!

 

••

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an
anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today."
the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

••
Magician: "Think of a card."
 Me: "Okay."
 Magician: "You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!"
 Me: "I was thinking about a get well soon card."

 

••

My financial situation is so bad, I'm being sponsored
by a child in Africa.

 

••

Did you hear about the Redneck's Rubik's cube?
It's white on all sides.
It takes a Redneck twenty minutes to solve...
 

••••

 

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♥

 

The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually.
Luckily, most of you reading this have nothing to
worry about.

 

••

A man was having marital problems.
So he went to his shrink.
The shrink says, "When you get home, throw down
your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes,
and yours, and make mad passionate love to her."
In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.
The shrink asked "How did it go?"
He said, "She didn't have anything to say,
but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

 

••

 My Grandfathers dying words to me were,
"Are you still holding the ladder?".

 

••

I walk around in public saying "wait for me guys"
so everyone thinks I have friends.

 

••

Answering Machine Message....
Yo. I ain't here at the moment.
Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back...
(Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

 

••

Sara to her friend Tina, "Do you know how my husband
plans for the future?"
Tina asked, "How?"
Sara, "He buys four cases of Budweiser!"

 

••

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you're leaning?
Me: Clam chowder.....

 

••

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

 

••

wow my neighbor just got busted 4 manufacturing drugs.
He was taken miracle grow and fix a flat and manufacturing
his own viagra .....

 

••

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down,
we still have milkshakes and racism..
 

••
Some people like to travel by train because it combines
the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure
of an airplane.

 

••

Henny Youngman at the racetrack.
 He said, I bet on the politest horse ever.
He let all the other horses go in front of him.”

 

••••

 

 

# 3015

☺☺

 

☺☺

♥

 

Jessica was testifying in court with regards to a case she

had filed for molestation.
She said, "It was late at night, and I was in this dark alley,
when he grabbed me from behind, and tore my short dress.
He pulled down my undies and bent me over a box...
I can't even remember what happened after that...!"
Judge Simmons, panting by now, said,
"Make something up, will you!!"

 

••

Bad news:

I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up
at school.
Worse news:
I'm a bus driver..........

••

Don't ask me for directions...  I got lost on an elevator once.

 

••

Gina said to her daughter Amy, "What kind of a guy is this
new boyfriend of yours?....... Is he decent?"
Amy replied, "Yes, Mom.
He is very decent and well regarded.
He is a miser, never touches booze, does not smoke,
has a sweet wife and four adorable well-behaved kids."

 

••

Do I believe in climate change?

Uhh yeah I believe… it DOESN’T EXIST AHH HAHA
(a fiery gull falls out of the sky) HA,ha,ha, hey fire bird...

 

••

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while...

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good
memories.....

 

••

A Newfie aunt was knitting her young nephew

some socks.
Then she got a letter from the boy's mother saying that
he had grown another foot since she last saw him.
So she started knitting him a third sock.

 

••

I wonder how many people come visit our country and then

immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.

 

••

Sorry for letting the air out of one of your tires, delivery guy,

but based on the way you cut my pizza, I assumed you liked
things uneven.

 

••

Anyone who eats fish and chips every day is a

creature of halibut.

 

••••