Down Hummingbird Lane

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99 yrs......
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped..
 me: killing then
 judge: yeah the killing..
 

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I'm extremely grateful that spiders don't scream back.

 

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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury
Easter Bunny's ears then broke off its head.
I'm sleeping with the lights on....

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I always see homeless people walking around with cups
of change.
I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking
money all the time.

 

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Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys.
My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.

 

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*burst into doctor's office*
 ME: I'm no longer canstopetid
 DOCTOR: You mean constipated
 ME: No I've had a vowel movement
 DOCTOR: Get out....

 

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This is America.
It is my God given right to be loudly opinionated about
something I am completely ignorant of.

 

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Q: What the difference between your first and second
honeymoon?
A: Niagara and Viagra.

 

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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan.
So I did what any American would do.
I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix....

 

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A dog slowly rolls past you in a red plastic baby car.
This is a bad neighborhood......
 

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scientist: he's going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[ my clone trips stepping out of the machine ]
holy shit .....

 

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