••

♠♠

♥

When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years 

ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool 

as great as Donald Trump. 

••

Last night in bed, my wife said we should try some role 

reversal. 

I told her I had a headache. 

••

"Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends 

all have silverware?"

Because they're poor and have to reuse everything.

••

SON: I'm moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you 

can't stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist. 

••

Some guy walked up to the counter and said, 

"Gimme a Burger and fries!" 

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

 "Go to He** you B*stard!" he snapped, before walking 

off with his food. 

I just love working in the prison canteen! 

••

If I ever got sent to the electric chair, 

I would order a tub of butter for my last meal 

And a boat load of un-popped pop corn. 

••

*sees lost cat* Hey buddy you lost?

*reads tag* here's a phone number

 *dials number*

 *little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing* 

••

Certainly wasn't expecting roast chicken for dinner on 

my first day in prison, 

But according to my slightly too friendly new cell mate... 

'White meat's back on the menu tonight!' 

••

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

••

Growing old is hard work, the mind say "yes" the body 

says "what the hell are you thinking" 

••

Thirty years ago I murdered my wife and children. 

I then stabbed to death her parents, my parents and 

all our friends. 

It was an episode in my life I regret terribly, now. 

I finally get released tomorrow ....

And there's no one to pick me up! 

••••

••

••

♥

An office technician got a call from a user. 

The user told the tech that her computer was not 

working. 

She described the problem and the tech concluded that 

the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up 

here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door 

with the power cord in her hand.

••

Shortly after a car was broadsided in a busy intersection, 

a good Samaritan rushed to see if anyone was hurt. 

He saw that the driver was dazed and bleeding. 

"Hang in there, lady," he said. "Are you badly hurt?"

"How the hell should I know?" she snapped. 

"I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."

••

A man walks into a library and says,"I hope you don't 

have a book on reverse psychology." 

••

Allow me to translate.......

  Partly sunny means mostly cloudy 

   Mostly cloudy means partly sunny  

  When you make a statement about something 

to someone and the other person replies with 

"that's interesting", the translation is: 

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard and 

you're a moron" 

  When the doctor says "we're doing 

everything we can," it means start making 

funeral arrangements 

  No sugar added means it still has SUGAR! 

  50% chance of rain means it's gonna rain 

  "We need to talk" means you're about to be dumped, 

fired or given some really shitty news 

  "We're offering thousands off our new vehicles" 

means "We're gonna make a ton of money off any vehicle 

you purchase and believe us, we know how to squeeze 

every last nickle out of you through sneaky add ons, 

clever financing, and seller practices you've never even 

heard of." 

••

If God wanted us to go METRIC… 

Jesus would have had 10 disciples, not 12. 

••

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly 

that he had just met the woman of his dreams. 

Now what should he do? 

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her 

flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment 

for a home-cooked meal?" 

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, 

the woman came to dinner. 

His mother called the next day to see how things had 

gone. 

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. 

"She insisted on washing the dishes." 

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. 

"We hadn't started eating yet.

••

Answering Machine Message 205

Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your 

message now. 

If it's good news, wait for the tone.

••

She: "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?" 

He: "Roll this way a little and let me have a look..." 

And that's how it started...

••

I thought my vasectomy... 

would keep my wife from getting pregnant, 

but apparently it just changes the color of the baby. 

••

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend 

home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by 

his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, 

tattoos and pierced nose. 

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and 

confessed their concern. 

"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem 

very nice." 

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't 

nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community 

service?"

••••

••

••

♥

Hey lady, your dog just ruined my smiley-face ice 

sculpture!

••

Just when I got a new lease on life, they raised the rent. 

••

My wife, who is a Jehovah's Witness, became ... 

an Avon Lady. 

Saves her a trip when she knocks on your door. 

••

My wife just had plastic surgery. 

I cut up all her credit cards! 

When one waits for the waiter does he not in that 

moment become the waiter ??

••

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed 

to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full...

••

It's impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. 

It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital.

••

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for

murderers. 

If you find one, what's your plan?

••

My great, great, great grandfather got screwed.... 

He invented the descender. 

Unfortunately, people cared more about going up than 

going down, so everyone remembers Otis and his 

elevator and no one remembers Morty Schlepperer. 

••

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known 

you were just going to criticize me....

••

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 

5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and whose 

lucky number is 5, receives a phone call from a friend.

The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will 

be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.

Excitedly, the man withdraws $5,555.00 cash from his bank 

account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win. 

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

••

••

••

♥

My dog ate a bunch of tissues yesterday. 

Looks like his ass is going to wipe itself for awhile.

••

I asked this girl to text me when she got home

Hmmm, she must be homeless....

•• 

A old man is walking down the street when he sees a 

beautiful young woman in a dress walking towards him. 

As he approaches her, a gust of wind blows her skirt up 

over her head. 

Frantically she pushes the fabric back down into place 

and turns a little red from embarrassment. 

Not wanting to cause further distress and hoping to 

make light of the situation, the old man calls out, 

"Airy, ain't it?" 

Angry, the woman yells back, "What did you expect?? 

Feathers?!" 

••

"hello pretty lady." [i slide down the bar] 

"what's your name?" i say as i casually toss a peanut 

in my eye. 

••

If I were a superhero, I'd want to be Aluminum Man. 

My superpower would be foiling crime. 

••

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends 

insisted that nothing had happened that could not be 

explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, 

but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch 

black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice 

intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other 

three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

••

My home pregnancy test came back negative. 

I guess my house is just getting fat. 

••

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. 

He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going 

dizzy. 

He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home,

I've come all over giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner"...

••

Auctioneers are proof that white guys could rap if they try 

hard enough.

••

I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid 

they are of Godzilla.

••••

••

••

♥

My wife is into all that hippy food. 

She only drinks almond milk. 

That's cool and all, but I just can't figure out how they 

know which almonds are male and which are female. 

You don't wanna tug on the wrong ones and end up 

with something other than milk! 

••

Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should 

hire you.

Me: I'm good with numbers. 

••

Facebook is like jail... 

You are not allowed to talk to anyone you don't know. 

You get poked by people you don't know. 

And you write on walls and waste a lot of time. 

••

I made a chicken salad last night. 

Apparently they prefer to eat grain. 

••

There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in... 

"Everyone in this office is an idiot & I work better by 

myself." 

••

"Sacre gray!" 

- Colorblind French guy 

••

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled 

“Hey, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit 

wherever I want.

••

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that 

shark attack...

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows .......

••

Three fans were bemoaning...

the sorry state of their football team. 

“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. 

“If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.” 

“I blame the players,” said the second fan. 

“If they made more of an effort, we’d score some points.” 

“I blame my parents,” said the third. 

“If I’d been born in Seattle, I’d be supporting a decent team.” 

••

Vandals destroyed all the road signs in our town last 

night. 

They really pulled out all the stops. 

••••