••
♥
An office technician got a call from a user.
The user told the tech that her computer was not
working.
She described the problem and the tech concluded that
the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up
here and I will fix it."
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door
with the power cord in her hand.
••
Shortly after a car was broadsided in a busy intersection,
a good Samaritan rushed to see if anyone was hurt.
He saw that the driver was dazed and bleeding.
"Hang in there, lady," he said. "Are you badly hurt?"
"How the hell should I know?" she snapped.
"I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."
••
A man walks into a library and says,"I hope you don't
have a book on reverse psychology."
••
Allow me to translate.......
Partly sunny means mostly cloudy
Mostly cloudy means partly sunny
When you make a statement about something
to someone and the other person replies with
"that's interesting", the translation is:
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard and
you're a moron"
When the doctor says "we're doing
everything we can," it means start making
funeral arrangements
No sugar added means it still has SUGAR!
50% chance of rain means it's gonna rain
"We need to talk" means you're about to be dumped,
fired or given some really shitty news
"We're offering thousands off our new vehicles"
means "We're gonna make a ton of money off any vehicle
you purchase and believe us, we know how to squeeze
every last nickle out of you through sneaky add ons,
clever financing, and seller practices you've never even
heard of."
••
If God wanted us to go METRIC…
Jesus would have had 10 disciples, not 12.
••
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly
that he had just met the woman of his dreams.
Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her
flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment
for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later,
the woman came to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had
gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned.
"She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet.
••
Answering Machine Message 205
Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your
message now.
If it's good news, wait for the tone.
••
She: "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"
He: "Roll this way a little and let me have a look..."
And that's how it started...
••
I thought my vasectomy...
would keep my wife from getting pregnant,
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
••
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend
home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by
his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots,
tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and
confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem
very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't
nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community
service?"
••••
