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♥

Business One-liners;

  Democracy is that form of government where everybody 

gets what the majority deserves.

  Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "get lost" in such

a way that they look forward to the trip.

  Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.

  Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a 

large enough rock. 

  Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.

Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a 

dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you 

cannot be promoted.

Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.

••

People can’t drive. 

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph while 

flashing blue lights. 

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway?? 

••

After the fiasco with the word 'fascinate' the teach decided 

to give the word 'fluctuate' to little Johnny for composing a 

sentence. 

Johnny stood before the class and said, "Yesterday our family 

went to a new restaurant. 

I walked through the family room just after my dad broke wind." 

At this, the teach interrupted, thanking Johnny for his choice 

of words and asked him to continue, using the assigned word. 

"Well, the smell was so bad I asked my dad, 

'What the fluctuate?'" 

••

Taking my wife to Home Depot... 

so she can pick out a new door to slam.

••

You can tell a lot about a woman... 

by the way she throws a toaster at you....

•• 

Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11? 

One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!

••

You lost your phone and it's on silent? 

Too bad...if you liked it then you shoulda put a 

ring on it. 

••

I opened what I thought was a can of whoop-ass, 

but it turned out to be Whoomp! 

And there it is, all over my floor. 

••

Dear family, Thanks for putting empty boxes back 

in the cabinet, there's nothing like having 

disappointment for breakfast... 

••

Took my 3rd self-defense class, 

so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, 

very slowly, with a fake knife in their right hand...

BRING IT! 

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♠

Everyone knows she can't get pregnant if she's on top.

It's called gravity, stupid. 

••

I just looked at my Timex... 

And it says clearly waterproof to 400 feet. 

 If I suddenly find myself 400 feet under water, 

 The very last thing I want to look at is my watch. 

••

Chicago is definitely the windy city. 

A man in a fur suit and fur hat just asked me if 

I've been blown today. 

••

Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a 

blender with sticky hyenas.

••

You should never run away from your problems. 

Unless your problem is you're being chased by a 

bear. 

••

I have a big problem! My sex tape was leaked to

all kinds of websites, blogs, Reddit, posted on 

social media, Facebook, Twitter, uploaded to 

YouTube, and many other popular sites on the 

internet, but after all that effort, I can't get 

anyone to watch it.  

••

Hey, I'm not lazy.

I convert oxygen to carbon dioxide all day long 

without complaining. 

••

At what point in time were cats being stored in 

bags so frequently that they had to come up with 

the phrase: "the cat's out of the bag"? 

••

If I am ever on life support, unplug me... 

then plug me back in, see if that works. 

••

I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about 

not interacting unless we're both pointing at the 

same tornado.

••

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part 

in several night time exercises. 

Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh 

from Jump School.

He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up 

a conversation. 

"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked. 

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive." 

I asked, "What's the difference?" 

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a 

university education." 

••••

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♥.

  

I'm happy when life hands me lemons...

Can't do shots of tequila with artichokes.

••

My friends called me stingy so I decided to buy 

them a beer. 

Turns out they wanted one each. 

••

Friends- What did you get for your birthday?

Her- He went to Jared. 

Friends- You're engaged!!! 

Her- No, Jared is our weed dealer. 

••

 I can't bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..

is this normal?

Let's hear your results 'cause I know you just tried it. 

••

Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets 

of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can 

breathe."

••

Finally got a phone at my desk....... 

In related news, thanks to me, 56 random people 

are running to catch their refrigerators. 

••

I walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous club five minutes late. 

They said, "Oh, nice of you to join us."

••

It's bad when....

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace

 the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

••

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time 

about doping? 

Going to the moon is very scary shit! 

••

I could retire nicely if I could sell my experience 

for what it cost me. 

••••

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♥

My wife was complaining that nobody ever phoned her, 

so I put a "How's my driving?" sticker on her car, and her

number on it...

The phone hasn't stopped ringing since. 

••

Cocaine is God's way of saying you have too much money. 

- Robin Williams -

••

You know you are addicted to the Internet when... 

You kiss your girlfriend's home page. 

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. 

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. 

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster

 connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. 

And even your night dreams are in HTML. 

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, 

like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.... 

••

He told me he was my daddy during sex. 

Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and 

asked him to pay off my student loans. 

••

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box 

filled with gold coins. 

In my excitement I ran back in the house to tell my wife 

when I remembered why I was digging a hole. 

••

I always take my wife's side no matter what. 

She's fat enough without eating KFC potatoes and gravy...

••

You could make dinner for a toddler, 

or you could just cut out the middle man 

& throw away a plate of food and squirt 

ketchup on the dog.

••

If "she'll be riding six white horses when she 

comes", she's probably a little more woman than 

I can handle. 

••

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she's already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup. 

••

If your drug dealer doesn't give you any change, 

he's probably not going to give you a receipt either.

••••

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♥

Happy Fathers Day....

I write this blog not for money but out of the goodness 

of my heart. 

I give and I give and I get nothing in return. 

I am beside Myself with anger about all of this.

 I tell you if I EVER see one of you heathens in the street 

I'm going to....wait a second....*sniff* ....alright,,,, 

WHO FARTED??!! ...Chuck??? .....IS THAT YOU???? 

You and your barking spiders........

••

I don't just write a Blog. 

You know what I'm best at? 

Writing Greeting cards. 

I'm a really good greeting card writer. 

And I'm going to prove it with a little sample of my work I'm 

going to share for you: 

As each day passes, you grow older, weaker.

I've been working out........ Revenge is near. 

Happy Fathers Day........

•• 

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course, and I was 

beginning my pre-shot routine on #1, visualizing my 

upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse 

loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee back up to the 

Men's Tee, please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the 

interruption. 

Again the announcement--"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S 

Tee kindly back up to the Men's Tee."

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse 

window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, 

"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let 

me play my second shot?!"

••

"911, please help im dying"

 Good cop: help is on the way

 Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man...

••

After years of wondering why he didn’t look like any of his 

siblings a man finally collected the nerve to ask his mother 

if he was adopted. 

“Yes, you were adopted,” his mother replied as she started 

to cry softly, “but it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”

••

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in 

the glove compartment of the car of the person who's dating 

your ex. 

••

Anytime I'm using a stall in a public restroom 

and someone knocks on the door, I always say, 

"Did you bring the lube?" as loud as possible. 

••

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch 

Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of 

aviators. 

••

People who say, "nothing could ever tear us apart", 

must not know about sharks.

•• 

If you're appraching a 5th wipe you should just 

take a shower...

••

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. 

A sensible dinner. 

SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM 

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