••
♥.
I'm happy when life hands me lemons...
Can't do shots of tequila with artichokes.
••
My friends called me stingy so I decided to buy
them a beer.
Turns out they wanted one each.
••
Friends- What did you get for your birthday?
Her- He went to Jared.
Friends- You're engaged!!!
Her- No, Jared is our weed dealer.
••
I can't bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..
is this normal?
Let's hear your results 'cause I know you just tried it.
••
Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets
of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can
breathe."
••
Finally got a phone at my desk.......
In related news, thanks to me, 56 random people
are running to catch their refrigerators.
••
I walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous club five minutes late.
They said, "Oh, nice of you to join us."
••
It's bad when....
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace
the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
••
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time
about doping?
Going to the moon is very scary shit!
••
I could retire nicely if I could sell my experience
for what it cost me.
••••
