# 2656

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Why is it that the Avon lady can go and knock on random 

women's doors and ask them if they are interested in a 

refreshing facial but, when I do it, they put me on the sex 

offenders list? 

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Things not to say when stopped by a traffic cop: 

   "Here's 20 bucks to forget all about it." 

   "Is it true that people become cops because they can't get 

hired at McDonalds?" 

   "Thanks officer, the cop yesterday let me off with a warning 

too." 

   "Is that a baton, or are you just glad to see me?" 

   "I can't reach my license and registration unless you hold my 

beer." 

   "Aren't you the guy from the Village People?" 

   "Want to buy a cheap computer, no questions asked? 

I have 50 in the trunk.

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Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. 

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

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Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of a child letting go 

of a balloon....

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Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & 

said 'its up in the air'. 

.Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn't be in this mess...

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This dude is using a pay phone. 

I guess someone got kidnapped. 

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A policeman came into my house and told me to  

put my hands up. 

I told him that he wasn't a DJ and we laughed 

and laughed and now I'm in jail. 

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The good news is, that bag of clothes from 1998 that I still 

haven't taken to the donation center…they are back in style now. 

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And the award for Best Actress goes to...

*opens envelope*....

my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in 

"Bath Time". 

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My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating 

headaches. 

Anyway, enough about her......back to drum 

practice. 

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Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her.  

I bet the rest of the alphabet does too. 

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This dog must been at some wild ass party 

last night.

He's still wearing a lampshade around his neck. 

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Hey Gov...When did it change from 

"We the people" to "screw the people" ? 

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It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the 

 cellular level I'm really quite busy.

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I’ve lost everything because of drugs. 

Well…I lost the remote, but it was in the fridge. 

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You know your fat when: 

You can pinch an inch on your forehead. 

You need a bra for both sides. 

Your scale reads "One at a time please" 

You walk into a bakery and the pastries tremble in fear.....

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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my 

sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

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At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

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Famous last words: 

What does this button do? 

I've seen this done on TV before. 

Pull the pin and count to what? 

Are you sure the power is off? 

Don't worry, it's fireproof. 

I wonder where the mother bear is? 

Which wire was I supposed to cut? 

Good doggie, nice doggie...........

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You are validating my inherent mistrust of 

 strangers.

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I see you've set aside this special time to 

 humiliate yourself in public.

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Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh 

 nervously, and change the subject.

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I only had one beer, Cupcake....  

Can i call you Cupcake? 

No?? 

Okay, I only had one beer, Officer. 

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Three guys at a bar, one guy says, " I'm an astronaut and I drive 

a Saturn." 

The second guy says, "I'm a pimp and I drive a cheap escort". 

The third guy says, I have you both beat. 

I'm a proctologist and I drive a brown probe.

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What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

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I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your

 mouth.

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What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? 

I never even got a Straining Order?! 

I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out. 

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I will always cherish the initial misconceptions

 I had about you.

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Cops got new drunk driving tests. 

There's one they pull out a wallet-size photo of 

Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, 'Is she attractive?' 

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I wonder if Captain America ever 

borrows money from Captain China. 

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It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of 

 Karma to burn off.

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You sound reasonable. 

Time to up my medication.

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I'll try being nicer if you'll try being 

 smarter.

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Just once I'd like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet 

in jeans and be like, "Oh, was this today? 

"I was just in the neighborhood." 

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I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a 

 message . 

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I don't work here. 

I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

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A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW 

I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.

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Well this is awkward. 

Apparently when my wife's friend invited me over 

for a play-date... I was supposed to bring my kids.

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My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in 

Thailand where they let monkeys crap all over the place. 

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When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are 

my kids, I like to say, "No, they're Dan's from 

accounting, but they're so cute!"

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A ladies magazine told me to compliment my 

wifes booty. 

So I told her I was glad it wasn't hairy. 

I need a place to stay...... 

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My girlfriend said we can't hang out this 

weekend because she doesn't exist. 

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Who invented Bull Riding?  

Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed 

off animal....Time me. 

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I'm not saying she's fat,  but if I was to pick five 

of the fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.

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I quit my job today!!

The money from that Nigerian king arrives 

tomorrow, I'm so excited.....

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We're all refreshed and challenged by

your unique point of view.

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The fact that no one understands you doesn't 

mean you're an artist.

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I am going to make millions when I finally 

finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when

the traffic light turns green. 

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I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet

 it's hard to pronounce.

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Any connection between your reality and mine is

 purely coincidental.

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I like you. 

You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

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PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. 

The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems 

to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

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I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago 

and now I'm worried the spiders are coming after 

me with no headaches and renewed vigor. 

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My wife said she wished she never woke up 

this morning. 

Turns out we do have something in common.....

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Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except  

that IT'S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO 

HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM! 

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Saw someone try and park a car for about  

10 minutes. 

I didn't see the person so I’m not going to assume 

what gender she was. 

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I ate one of those artisan pizzas and now..

I can't stop painting my bathroom. 

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They say that not 'cleaning your plate' 

is the best way to lose weight. 

I haven’t done dishes in months but I’m still 

up 20 pounds.

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Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is in the Mafia

10. He seems to do really well for a guy who runs 

a candy store that's open one or two hours a day.. 

9. His partner in the neighborhood 3-legged race:

 Vincent "The Chin" Gigante. 

 8. For his son's birthday, buys him a U.S. senator..

 7. Your tomato plants keep getting singed by the 

cars exploding in his driveway 

 6. Tuesday: paper boy misses porch; Wednesday: 

paper boy gets "iced" 

 5. All his anecdotes end with, "So I blew his head 

off" 

 4. Two goons show up and make your wife reveal 

the family recipe for apple crisp 

 3. At their Halloween party, they bob for mob 

informants.. 

 2. After having an argument with his kid, your 

kid wakes up with the head of Tickle Me Elmo on 

his pillow.. 

 1. His lawn gnome is riddled with bullet holes.. 

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Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning 

and found it really creepy that all these people 

managed to die in alphabetical order. 

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Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading 

the paper after breakfast. 

He came across an article about a beautiful 

actress who was about to marry a football player 

known for his lack of IQ. 

He turned to his wife and said, 

"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get 

the most attractive wives." 

She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!" 

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I smiled and waved at my neighbor....  

so I bet the first thing she'll do today is buy 

bedroom curtains. 

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