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Why is it that the Avon lady can go and knock on random
women's doors and ask them if they are interested in a
refreshing facial but, when I do it, they put me on the sex
offenders list?
••
Things not to say when stopped by a traffic cop:
"Here's 20 bucks to forget all about it."
"Is it true that people become cops because they can't get
hired at McDonalds?"
"Thanks officer, the cop yesterday let me off with a warning
too."
"Is that a baton, or are you just glad to see me?"
"I can't reach my license and registration unless you hold my
beer."
"Aren't you the guy from the Village People?"
"Want to buy a cheap computer, no questions asked?
I have 50 in the trunk.
••
Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.
I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
••
Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of a child letting go
of a balloon....
••
Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash &
said 'its up in the air'.
.Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn't be in this mess...
••
This dude is using a pay phone.
I guess someone got kidnapped.
••
A policeman came into my house and told me to
put my hands up.
I told him that he wasn't a DJ and we laughed
and laughed and now I'm in jail.
••
The good news is, that bag of clothes from 1998 that I still
haven't taken to the donation center…they are back in style now.
••
And the award for Best Actress goes to...
*opens envelope*....
my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in
"Bath Time".
••
My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating
headaches.
Anyway, enough about her......back to drum
practice.
••
Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her.
I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.
••
This dog must been at some wild ass party
last night.
He's still wearing a lampshade around his neck.
••••
