••

••

♥

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.

••

God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating 

light and darkness on earth." 

Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?" 

God: "I think I'll call it a day." 

••

Alisdair Biggar, a Scotsman, applied to join to the New York 

City police force. 

The inspector glared at him and asked, 'How would you 

disperse a large, unruly crowd?' 

'Well,' replied Alisdair thoughtfully, 'I'm no too sure how ye 

do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just pass the hat 

around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.' 

••

Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. 

"And where do you think you are going?"

Driver: - "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is 

coming back."

••

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a 

crowded bus. 

Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto 

one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three 

minutes, then tell her, "I love a woman that does 

aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, 

"Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

••

What smells of fish and goes round and round at 

100 mph?. 

A goldfish in a blender. 

••

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet 

when a policeman ran up to help. 

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the 

shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. 

"How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

••

Work is a great thing..............

As long as it doesn't take up too much of your spare time. 

••

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 

13 years on a book about Swedish economic 

solutions. 

He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, 

only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in 

seconds when a worker confused the

copier with the shredder.

••

'Listen to this Lads', said the man to his mates in the pub. 

'Last night when ah wis in here a burglar broke in tae ma hoose.' 

'Did he get anyhting?' 

'Aye, a broken nose and two teeth knocked oot. 

The wife thought it wis me commin in drunk!' 

••••

••

••

♥

Is there anything more pointless than being 

a female suicide bomber? 

I mean, just what the hell are they going to do with 72 virgins?

  

••

My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts 

Club. 

They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

••

I have so much debt, I could start a government.

••

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick 

of dynamite.

Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up 

to the phone.

"Hear that?" you say....... "That's dynamite, baby."

••

Russian President Vladimir Putin has been 

nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine for 

his work on clinical depression. 

Apparently he can predict who will commit 

suicide next week in one of his prisons by 

just picking up his phone. 

••

My wife should be on a parole board. 

She never lets anyone finish a sentence. 

••

Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth 

Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?

••

Bubba was speeding down the road when a traffic 

cop stopped him. 

Cop: Do you realize you were going above the speed 

limits? 

Bubba: But officer, I am only learning to drive. 

Cop: What? Without an instructor? 

Bubba: Its a correspondence course, Officer. 

••

Is there cultured oil anywhere, or just crude oil? 

••

Dorothy went to visit her dentist with broken teeth. 

While she was seated on the dental chair, she asked 

the dentist, "Before you start working on me, I have 

a question. 

Will I be able to play the Saxophone when you are 

done?"

The dentist replied patiently, "Of course you will!"

Dorothy exclaimed , "Oh wonderful! 

I couldn't play a note before!"

••

What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon? 

••••

•ºº•

••

♥

Little Caesars has introduced a giant, deep-dish pizza with a 

crust wrapped in three feet of bacon. 

Two hours ago Pizza Hut surrendered.

••

Just saw the coolest magic trick! 

Ticketmaster turned a $15 concert ticket into $38.95. 

••

I thought watching Hoarders would encourage 

me to clean up my place.... 

But all I could think was, "Hey, my place ain't 

that bad!" 

••

TLC is reportedly working on a spinoff of 

"Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." 

They're calling it "You People Will Watch Anything."

••

During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed that a 

member of al-Qaida posed as a woman to attract less attention 

from authorities. 

It would have worked better if he had remembered to shave 

his beard.

••

My lawn mower quit working a while back 

and my wife has been on my back about getting it 

fixed. 

I came home from work the other day to find her 

sitting in the front yard cutting grass with a pair 

of scissors. 

She said she was tired of waiting for me to fix the 

mower. 

I brought her a tooth brush and told her to sweep 

the drive way too. 

That's when the fight stared.......

••

People who say I'm hard to shop for don't know  

where to buy beer. 

••

Richard said he had a hat that says, "For sale- 

Ex Wife. 

Take over payments."

••

I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt 

for Monday? 

I want to exchange it for another Friday. 

••

Bachelor Blake had a telephone problem last 

summer. 

Some dude who works a night shift apparently has 

a phone number almost identical to Blake's.

Starting around midnight, he'd phone every hour 

and say, "Hey, what're you doing there, Mister? 

Where's my wife?"

Blake'd reply, "You have the wrong number."

The man would snarl suspiciously, "Yeah, I'll bet!" 

cuss a short streak, and hang up.

Blake put up with this abuse for exactly three nights. 

On the fourth night, when the called and asked, 

"Hey, what're you doing...," Blake interrupted in a 

frantic screech, "For Pete's sake, call the cops! 

My wife followed me here, she's chasing your wife 

with an axe, and she's gonna... 

HONEY, DON'T...ARGGGGH!"

The man hollered, "What happened? What? 

Are you there? 

Hold on, I'll send the police!" 

The phone clicked, the dial tone came on, and 

Blake hasn't been bothered by night calls since.

••

Dear sleep, 

I know we had problems when I was younger, 

but I love you now.

••••

••

••

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue 

Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. 

We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our 

tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. 

"It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!" 

••

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" 

asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. 

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a 

long, painful groan. 

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on 

him a bit. 

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. 

It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. 

"Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"

••

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. 

It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

••

Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window 

looking sad. 

Maybe I should let her in.

••

Why is it that meats one has never eaten is always described

 as "It tastes just like chicken"... 

Why not pork chops or t-bones or hamburgers? 

••

Horse whispers are such naysayers....

••

I found an email in my junk folder from Match.com. 

The subject is “Dear Match Customer, Unlock Your Account”.... 

No idea why they sent it - I don't have an account there. 

Heck, I don't even use matches... 

••

I leave notes on people's windshields  

telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing 

job fixing it. 

••

"Where's the barber who worked on the next 

chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting 

a shave.

Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. 

It was a very sad case.

He grew nervous and despondent over poor 

business, and one day when a customer said he 

didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out 

of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. 

He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. 

Will you be having a massage, sir?

Sure, go ahead! said the customer......

••

If the cops arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the 

right to remain silent?

••••

••

••

♥

In any decision situation, the amount of relevant 

information available is inversely proportional to

the importance of the decision.

••

The hardest part of being a congressman must be 

pretending to actually like the people where you're from. 

••

KIEV, Ukraine (Reuters) -- A Ukraine 

businessman who bought a pager for

each member of his staff as a New Year gift was 

so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the 

same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, 

a newspaper said on Thursday.

The unnamed businessman was returning from 

the pager shop when the accident happened. 

"With no more than 100 meters to go to the 

office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly 

burst out screeching. 

The businessman's fright was such that he 

simply let go of the steering wheel and the the 

car ploughed into a lamp post."

After he had assessed the damage to the car, the 

businessman turned his attention to the message 

on the 50 pagers. 

It read: "Congratulations on a successful 

purchase!

••

The only difference between a rut and a grave is 

the depth.

••

Spence was discussing the latest design changes 

on this one car at the car show.  

Someone noted the windshield wipers now didn't

show from the front of the car.  

I opened my mouth and seriously suggested, 

"maybe the windshield wipers

are on the *inside* of the windshield now . . . "

••

I believe that sex is the most wonderful and 

beautiful thing that money can buy. 

- Steve Martin 

••

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for 

exceeding the posted speed limit. 

He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim 

Zybkcicraznovskaya 

from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my 

daughter in Columbia."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, 

and said.....

"Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding 

again."

••

I think it's pretty cool Chinese people made a 

language made entirely out of tattoos. 

••

You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl.

Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take 

her to a hospital....... This is stress. 

In the hospital you are being told that she is 

pregnant and doctors start congratulating you 

with the future newborn. 

You explain that just an hour ago you have seen 

her for the first time in your life, but she starts 

telling that you are the father......

This is a big stress already.

You require for a DNA analysis and they make it.

Then the doctors tell you quietly, that actually 

you can't be a father since you are genetically 

sterile...... This is a stress, combined with a relief. 

On your way back home you remember, that you 

have three kids..... Now..That's what the real stress is.

••

I've learned so much from my MISTAKES 

I'm thinking of making a few more....

••••