••
♥
Little Caesars has introduced a giant, deep-dish pizza with a
crust wrapped in three feet of bacon.
Two hours ago Pizza Hut surrendered.
••
Just saw the coolest magic trick!
Ticketmaster turned a $15 concert ticket into $38.95.
••
I thought watching Hoarders would encourage
me to clean up my place....
But all I could think was, "Hey, my place ain't
that bad!"
••
TLC is reportedly working on a spinoff of
"Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."
They're calling it "You People Will Watch Anything."
••
During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed that a
member of al-Qaida posed as a woman to attract less attention
from authorities.
It would have worked better if he had remembered to shave
his beard.
••
My lawn mower quit working a while back
and my wife has been on my back about getting it
fixed.
I came home from work the other day to find her
sitting in the front yard cutting grass with a pair
of scissors.
She said she was tired of waiting for me to fix the
mower.
I brought her a tooth brush and told her to sweep
the drive way too.
That's when the fight stared.......
••
People who say I'm hard to shop for don't know
where to buy beer.
••
Richard said he had a hat that says, "For sale-
Ex Wife.
Take over payments."
••
I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt
for Monday?
I want to exchange it for another Friday.
••
Bachelor Blake had a telephone problem last
summer.
Some dude who works a night shift apparently has
a phone number almost identical to Blake's.
Starting around midnight, he'd phone every hour
and say, "Hey, what're you doing there, Mister?
Where's my wife?"
Blake'd reply, "You have the wrong number."
The man would snarl suspiciously, "Yeah, I'll bet!"
cuss a short streak, and hang up.
Blake put up with this abuse for exactly three nights.
On the fourth night, when the called and asked,
"Hey, what're you doing...," Blake interrupted in a
frantic screech, "For Pete's sake, call the cops!
My wife followed me here, she's chasing your wife
with an axe, and she's gonna...
HONEY, DON'T...ARGGGGH!"
The man hollered, "What happened? What?
Are you there?
Hold on, I'll send the police!"
The phone clicked, the dial tone came on, and
Blake hasn't been bothered by night calls since.
••
Dear sleep,
I know we had problems when I was younger,
but I love you now.
••••
