# 1065

Good Morning, Friends and neighbors...

I guess we will have a rainy weekend...

But It won't make us mad.....

We can sure use it....

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You gonna sit on them, Huh??

I don't want any now.....

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Weird looking dog.....

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What are you looking at?

An't you ever saw anyone licking them selfs?

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I don't know? but its not playing that stupid game....

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That knife is not very sharp... is it??

So that's what I can do with my old ones...

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That chicken doesn't want to be in that soup...

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Well, I guess i'll fire it up and leave now....

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♥♥♥

~~ Experts say the recession is over.

Earlier today, they were popping champagne at the
unemployment office.

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~~ "Didn't you say that I weighed eight pounds at birth?"
Tommy asked his mother.
She said that yes, he had.
"The scale must have been off," he replied,
checking the encyclopedia.
"Storks don't have the wingspan to carry an
 eight-pound load."

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~~ I have a book coming out in the morning!
...I should never have eaten it in the first place.......

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~~ A man riding out in the bush fell from his horse and
broke his leg.
He was a long way out, so the situation looked pretty grim.
Then the horse grabbed the man's belt in his teeth
and dragged
him to the shade of a nearby tree.
He made the man as comfortable as he could and then
galloped off to get help.
The man discussed the incident a few weeks later with
a friend, who...very impressed...praised the horse's
intelligence.
"He's not so smart," said the animal's owner.
"He came back with a vet."

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~~ I do the water and sewer billing for a small city.
Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills --
which they said looked too much like junk mail.
So we decided to start sending full-sized bills in
envelopes.
The month before the switch, I had a note printed on
the cards, announcing the change.
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at
our receptionist,
"Is this some kind of joke?"
When the customer threw his bill upon the desk,
 I saw his point.
The note was, "Coming soon! New Larger Bills!"

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~~ Just before the funeral services,
 the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

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~~ I am going to open a Mexican- German restaurant
 and call it Beaner Schnitzel!

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~~ Pete's wife sent him out last night to buy her
something to make her look pretty.....
He came home with a 12-pack of Coors and and fifth
 of JD.
He said "The couch is comfortable enough."

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~~ When Ruby spotted her husband standing on the
bathroom scale holding his stomach in,
she thought he was trying to reduce his weight
and remarked.
"That won't help you very much."
"It most certainly will" he replied.
"It is the only way that I can read the numbers.

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~~ A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store
where I work soon after the doors opened one morning
and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings.
I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked
out a pair.
When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped,
he said, "That'd be great.
But can you make it quick?
I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks
I'm taking out the trash."

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Todays Thought:  A team is where a boy can prove his courage on his own.A gang is where a coward goes to hide.

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Hey, Friends....We did get some rain....
but it was too much to fast..it just ran off..
More this weekend....Every little bit helps
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 Big heavy downpour...Hail mixed in....

Lightning strikes all around...

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Hail on the deck...couldn't walk out there...

Even the lights went out for an hour after the storm...

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Oh, Oh, watch out!!

Hungry cat in view....

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Cute little one..."Witchy" like them this size....

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Tell him off....

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I know.....nothing amuse's you.....

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Nice pair of glasses....

But it's gotta be hard to get them mice's!!

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The bird trying to make friends?

Or just teasing?

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Now thats funny.....

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Hey!..Hey! No texting in the zoo....

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All right!....Which one of you farted!

No wonder it smells bad in here....

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Oh, you wanna fight, Huh..?

I'm Chicken, time for me to go.....

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♥♥♥

~~ Pete was in the grocery checkout, and the clerk asked him, "Paper or plastic?"

He replied, "Either is OK, I'm bi-sacksual."

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~~ If your name is on the building, you're rich;
if your name is on your desk, you're middle-class;
if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

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~~ One very blustery day in late fall,
my five-year-old daughter was in her room getting
dressed.
She came out in a sleeveless sundress and asked me,
"Is this dress okay, or am I too chilly?"

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~~ When my wife was pregnant, her high hormone levels
led the doctor to suspect she might be carrying twins.
During an ultrasound, she nervously watched the technician.
“Well,” she demanded anxiously, “is it twins?”
The technician replied, “I've found three so far.”
“Oh, my God!” my wife blurted. “Stop looking!”

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~~ "The equipment...among the most vital to our success
in Africa and Europe were the bulldozer, the jeep,
the 2 1/2 ton truck, and the C-47 airplane.
Curiously enough, none of these is designed for combat."
(Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower)

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~~ During a job interview at The pharmacy,
 an applicant was asked.
"Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"
"No," he answered:
"My hearing is scheduled for next week."

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~~ Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare
when a burly biker wearing a black leather jacket
pulled up next to me on a shocking pink
Harley-Davidson.
My first thoughts were, "Is that really a pink Harley?
I wonder if he's..."
Just then the traffic cleared and he pulled in front of me.
On the back of his helmet were stenciled the words...
"Yes, it is. No, I'm not."

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~~ Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi
with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.

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~~ A nun at a parochial school, wanting to point out
the proper behavior for church,
was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that
their parents might give before taking them to a nice
restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you
go out to eat?" the nun inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied,
"Order something cheap."

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~~ The local Walgreens was broken into last night
and the thieves stole all of the Viagra.
The Police have asked the public to look out for a group of
hardened criminals.

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Todays Thought:  Memory is what lets a man know that last week was his anniversary.

Good Morning, friends.... Yes "Carol" send rain down.....
Well, today is the first day of Autumn...
And it's gonna be in the 90º's....
And maybe, just maybe a shower this evening...
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But this mornings Sunrise....

not a cloud in the sky....

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Sadie's missing the sunrise....

She's in her bed.....

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Man this is a big tree.....

I bet it's seen a lot of years...

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Damn....what an ugly Cake.......

Why would any one want one like this??

I would lose my appetite...

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Ha-ha, what a funny slide...

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Bubba, here is checking us out.....

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Yep, play that Funky music....

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He looks mad too...

Buck up, there will be other times....

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Hail Crabzilla!.... The Japanese Spider Crab is the biggest arthropod on Earth--their legs are believed to grow up to 12 feet long.

But since they live at such great depths (typically 1,000 feet down or so) a full grown spider crab has yet to be caught.
So for now, we'll have to make due with the 5 foot long Crabzilla
(that's what it's called--I didn't make it up!), one of the largest known crabs in the world.

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"No texting" Dummy!

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Well time to hit the road in my wee car.....

Later....

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♥♥♥

~~ "President Obama insisted that the U.S. economy is still showing improvement.

And he said you can take that to the bank,
 if you can find any that are still open."

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~~ At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!"
Pete studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"

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~~ Over the weekend, I brought in my eight-year-old son,
Ronan, for a tour of the office where I work.
I showed him the boardroom and Ronan walked in,
sat down and said, "It's true" I'm bored!"

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~~ Q: What starts with "t" ends with "t" and is
filled with "t"?
A: A teapot.

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~~ While working as a waitress, I served a table
of four gentlemen from Australia returning from
an Alaskan fishing expedition.
Then three men from England, on their way to Alaska,
walked in.
There was quite a burst of excitement and handshaking
as the men from both countries marveled at their chance
meeting.
They laughed as they told me that the last time they’d
all seen one another was two years earlier...in India.

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~~ Sherry said:
Three months after the birth of my first child,
I finally managed to get to the supermarket alone.
As I stood in the check-out line with my full cart,
someone tapped me on the shoulder and asked,
"How old is your baby?"
I turned around and was surprised to see an
unfamiliar face.
"How do you know I have a baby?" I asked.
"Because," she replied with a smile,
"You're rocking your groceries and humming
 'Hush Little Baby.'

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~~ I overheard a friend telling his pal,
"I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5
 in the morning."
"What is she doing?", the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."

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~~ A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy
 a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
Did he tell you what caliber to get?" asked the clerk."
"Are you kidding?" she says.
"He doesnt even know that I am going to shoot him!"

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~~ I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

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~~ "A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin
E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer,
and might actually raise the risk of heart failure.
The study was published in this month's Journal of
Things that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month
That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month."

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~~ Did you know why elephants have flat feet?
Ans. From jumping out of trees.

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Todays Thought:  You can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt.
And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?

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Good Morning....Not much going on here.......
Just good dry weather....
Down to just one Hummer....
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We need rain, but not this much.....please.

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Cats love warm weather.....

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Looks like it!!

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He's saying "were's the Zombies??"

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She's laffing, and he's hurting....

That's gotta hurt...

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Yep, It's good to have friends.....

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Ahhh you broke my car.....

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They got him.....

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This guy thought that was funny.....

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Gotta walk the dog.....

??????

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Well, time to go again......

Later.....

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♥♥♥

~~ How true.... You can hit my father over the head with a chair and he won't wake up, but my mother, all you have to do to my mother is cough somewhere in Siberia and she'll hear you.

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~~ Question ?
Why do television evangelist say "give your money to God"
then the next line is "and here is my address"

☼
~~ A professor at Michigan State University
was known for giving boring,
cliche-ridden lectures.
At the beginning of one semester,
an innovative class breathed new life into the
course by assigning baseball plays to each
hackneyed phrase.
For example, when the professor said
"On the other hand," that counted as a base hit.
"By the same token" was a strike out;
"and so on" counted as a stolen base.
Divided into two teams by the center aisle of the
lecture hall, the students played inning after inning
 of silent but vigorous baseball.
On the last day of class, the impossible
happened: the score was tied and bases were
loaded.
Then the batter hit a home run!
The winning team stood and cheered wildly.
Though deeply appreciative, the professor
later was quoted as wondering why only half
of the students had been enthusiastic about
his lectures.

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~~ You know you're drunk driving when you
swerve to avoid hitting a tree which turns
out to be your air freshener.

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~~ A generously endowed young lady at college often
got teased by her sorority sisters for being so top-heavy.
At a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she
would like to drink.
"Diet soda, please," she replied.
"Oh, you must be the double D." he said.
The girl was furious, wondering which of her so-called
friends had divulged such personal information.
"And just what do you mean by that?" she snapped.
Surprised at her angry response, the young man
meekly answered,
"Oh, you know...the Designated Driver."

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~~ I'm a counselor who helps coordinate
support groups for visually- impaired adults.
Many participants have a condition known as
macular degeneration, which makes it very
difficult for them to distinguish facial features.
I had just been assigned to a new group and
was introducing myself.
Knowing that many in the group would not be
able to see me well, I jokingly said,
"For those of you who can't see me,
I've been told that I look like a cross between
Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio."
Immediately, one woman called out,
"We're not THAT blind!"

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~~ A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of
whom, Gregory, had just started school.
A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't
believe he was already in first grade and asked
\what his mother did all day now that all the three
 boys were in school.
"Sleep," Gregory answered.

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~~ Our three-year-old daughter was making up
a poem when she asked us what rhymed with stop.
My husband said, "Think of something that's cool and
refreshing but that Mom and I don't let you drink."
Our daughter knew the answer: "Alcohol!"

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~~ Trying to do my share for the environment,
I set up a trash basket at my church and posted
above it this a suggestion:
"Empty water bottles here."
I should have been a little more specific,
because when I went to check it later,
I didn't find any bottles in it.
But it was full of water.

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~~ CAT HAIKU

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

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Todays Thought;  "A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who hascheated some woman out of a divorce."

 
 
 
 
 

 
 
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