••

••

♥ 

The neck pillow I was using on the Greyhound bus 

turned out to be an adult diaper somebody left on the seat. 

••

Don't tell me about your drinking problem...

until you've tried to start a conga line at a funeral. 

••

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture 

and they hand you the camera.

••

I don't know about you guys, but girls that wear pink 

camo piss me off. 

What you huntin' child? Flamingos?

••

Watson, a longtime sales representative became 

dissatisfied with his career and decided to become a 

police officer. 

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked 

his new job. 

"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great and the hours are 

long, but one thing I really like is that the customer is 

always wrong.!

••

Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper, 

but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars. 

••

A doctor examining a woman who had been 

rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband

aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife 

at all. ”

"Me neither doc," said the husband. 

"But she's a great cook and really good with the 

kids."

••

One day, a group of terrorists hijacked a Bar Association 

charter flight. 

The terrorists announced that, until their demands were 

met, they would release one lawyer per hour.

••

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over 

them tonight.... 

It's probably not a good night to go to jail. 

••

Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee. 

You know what'd go well with this?" 

Me: "The antidote?" 

Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?" 

Me: "Nothing" 

••

Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after 

I die. 

••••

••

••

♥

A small private plane was flying over southwest Florida when 

all of a sudden the engine died, miles away from any airport. 

The pilot turned to his wife and said, “Don’t worry, Honey, 

there are dozens of golf courses in this area. 

I’ll just land on the next one I see.” 

To which his wife screamed, “What you mean ‘don’t worry?’ 

I’ve seen you play! You’ll never hit the fairway!” 

••

I just bought a guard dog and he's really good. 

I haven't been able to get in my house for the past three days. 

••

“The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is 

so you can’t see him laughing.” 

~ Phyllis Diller 

••

Six out of seven of Snow White's dwarves are on 

anti-depressants. 

The seventh is Happy..

••

The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous 

is admitting you don't have a problem.

••

I believe in taking the bull by the horns. 

Then I believe in steering it in the direction of whoever's 

annoying me. 

••

I'm boycotting 50 Shades of Grey 

because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

••

A Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a shul in 

New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat

off and down the street. 

He was an old man, who walked with the aid 

of a cane, and who wasn't able to fetch his hat. 

Across the street, a young gentile man saw 

what was happening, rushed over and grabbed 

the hat. 

He then returned it to the Rabbi. 

"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat 

by myself," said the Rabbi. 

"Thank you very much!" 

He then placed his hand on the man's 

shoulder and said, "May God bless you."

The young man thought to himself, "I've been 

blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky 

day!" 

He decided then and there to go to the 

racetrack. 

In the first race he noted a horse named 

'Stetson' at 20 to 1. 

He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came 

in first. 

In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' 

was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that 

horse.......  Fedora came in first, as well.

At the end of the day the man returned home 

to his wife. 

She asked him where he's been. 

He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, 

and how he was blessed by him, and how he 

then went to the track and bet on horses 

which were named after hats. 

"So where's the money?" she said. 

"I lost it all in the ninth race. 

I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost." 

"You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a 

hat!" exlaimed his wife. 

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was 

some Japanese horse named Yarmulka. 

••

I went to see a psychic yesterday. 

He said, "What's your name? 

I said, "I want my money back."

••

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil 

worshiper? 

He sold his soul to Santa.

••••

••

Not ME!!

••

♥

April Fools......... 

the only day ordinary folks get to act like politicians..

••

A man was talking to his daughter and she said something 

that wasn't very nice or polite. 

So he asked her to say it in a more polite fashion. 

So she said it in a British accent......

••

I never made the Dean's List, but.... 

I find it disturbing the Dean keeps a list of teenagers he likes.

••

My wife is suffering from depression.

She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like 

jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing

anything to help".

So I sent her a timetable.

••

Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys 

in 'em...... Get on that. 

••

I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.. 

until the acid wears off and I’m just dragging 

a stolen mannequin around a Target parking 

lot. 

••

It's just sad how often I see zookeepers 

breaking their own "Don't Feed the Animals" rule.

••

Sometimes I wish you could ask the 

pharmacist to "make it a double". 

••

some guys play it cool with women by 

pretending not to notice when they're not 

noticing them. 

••

In Japan, they are celebrating their position as the most 

educated country in the world. 

Here in America it's National Cheeseburger Day.

••••

••

••

♥

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken

clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. 

Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, 

more than Southwest Airlines."

••

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White 

House. 

Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. 

"Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. 

Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just 

to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

••

"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young 

people. 

"Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two 

miles. 

I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, 

I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, 

I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers,.... "How?"

••

Staff gathered in the car park for a fire drill at the sperm bank 

before the alarm had gone off, it was a premature evacuation.

••

A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. 

Every time I fart, it sounds like, "Honda." 

The doctor says, "You say, 'Honda?'" 

"No," the guy says. 

"My farts do." 

So, the doctor says, "OK, open your mouth," and 

looks inside. 

After about two minutes, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, 

I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist." 

The guy says, "Why a dentist?" 

The doctor says, "Because you have an abscessed tooth."

The guy says, "What the hell does that have to do with 

my condition?" 

The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? 

Abscess makes the farts go Honda!"

••

A woman told me that I take the 'e' out of 

dude..... 

She digs me, right? 

••

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. 

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, 

Psychiatry and Proctology." 

The town council was not too happy with the sign, 

so the doctors changed it to: "Hysteria's and Posteriors." 

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to 

satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: 

"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." 

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonic s" 

Thumbs down again. 

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentive s." 

But is was still not good! So they tried: 

"Minds and Behinds" 

"Analysis and Anal Cysts" 

"Nuts and Butts" 

"Freaks and Cheeks" 

"Loons and Moons" 

"Lost Souls and Ass Holes" 

None worked. 

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up 

with a title they thought might be accepted by the 

council: 

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends." 

APPROVED! 

••

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn't that weird?

Her: Not really..

Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

••

Here's to a glass of whiskey 

White hot and amber clear. 

Not as sweet as a woman's kisses 

But a damn sight more sincere. 

••

Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen.

Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and 

getting an online degree in refrigerator repair. 

••••

••

••

♥

The average power nap is 20 minutes. 

This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly 

into one hour.  

••

Every time I hear about how Jesus was born in 

a manger, I think Mary and Joseph must have had the

same insurance plan I have....

••

At night I hear the voice of pie and sometimes 

ice cream calling to me from the fridge. 

Broccoli is strangely silent. 

••

My friend Sid has started calling himself S. 

He's had to, someone stole his ID. 

••

"Don't mention zits," my wife warned me just before 

our daughter joined us for breakfast. 

"She's got a huge one on her nose. 

We've already had tears and she's threatening not to 

go to school." 

"No worries," I replied. 

"I've got just the thing to take her mind of it." 

As Claire sat down, shielding her nose from me, 

I showed her my phone. 

 Look....

Dave in work sent me a picture of his new puppy." 

Her face brightened up and she smiled, "Awww.. 

He's adorable! 

What's his name?" 

"Spot." 

♦♦

My home security system is just 

15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses. 

••

A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, 

"Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." 

And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in your 

mouth, try putting it up your butt." 

Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, 

it's a dream come true. 

I'm half the size I was." 

But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and 

down up and down... and he asks, "But where did you 

get this twitch?" 

The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch, 

I'm chewing bubble gum." 

••

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize 

America has much bigger problems than the 

national debt.

••

This vodka tastes strange, 

kinda like I'm not going to work tomorrow. 

••••