••
♥
The neck pillow I was using on the Greyhound bus
turned out to be an adult diaper somebody left on the seat.
••
Don't tell me about your drinking problem...
until you've tried to start a conga line at a funeral.
••
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture
and they hand you the camera.
••
I don't know about you guys, but girls that wear pink
camo piss me off.
What you huntin' child? Flamingos?
••
Watson, a longtime sales representative became
dissatisfied with his career and decided to become a
police officer.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked
his new job.
"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great and the hours are
long, but one thing I really like is that the customer is
always wrong.!
••
Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper,
but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.
••
A doctor examining a woman who had been
rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband
aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife
at all. ”
"Me neither doc," said the husband.
"But she's a great cook and really good with the
kids."
••
One day, a group of terrorists hijacked a Bar Association
charter flight.
The terrorists announced that, until their demands were
met, they would release one lawyer per hour.
••
I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over
them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.
••
Boss: "Thanks for making me my coffee.
You know what'd go well with this?"
Me: "The antidote?"
Boss: "No, a nice..Wait, what?"
Me: "Nothing"
••
Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after
I die.
••••
