••

••

♥

A cat's love is like nothing you've ever experienced, 

unless you've dated a completely aloof murderer with autism...

••

This Amazon Fire voice activated TV was a bad idea. 

It keeps searching for all kinds of shit because my wife never 

stops talking. 

••

My wife saw a spider and asked me to kill it. 

She handed me our granddaughter's glitter spray and told me 

to use it on the spider. 

I used the spray. 

A short while later, the spider was giving me a lap dance. 

I named the spider Cinnamon..... I think I'm in love. 

Update: My wife just killed Cinnamon. 

It was headed towards my fly. 

• •

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help 

wondering from what direction...

••

Church Bulletin

•"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking 

tonight at Memorial Church. 

Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

•Ushers will eat latecomers.

•Miss Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving 

obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

••

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, 

then lefties are the only ones in their right mind. 

••

The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a 

hole 8 feet deep. 

But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained 

an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. 

"Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. 

He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without 

leaving a mound on top. 

He went to the office and explained his problem.

"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. 

"The kind of help I get these days! 

There's obviously only one thing to do. 

You'll have to dig that hole deeper!" 

••

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, 

England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where 

the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, 

"When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by

a half hour!"

••

The sequel to classic novel "To Kill A 

Mockingbird" is out soon. 

 "To Cook A Mockingbird." 

••

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd 

pick up fish and chips on the way home. 

I was met with a stoney silence. 

Something tells me that she's beginning to 

regret letting me name the twins.

••

They say it's National Margarita day, 

but I'd take that with a grain of salt if I 

were you. 

••••

••

♥

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer 

and a herd of buffalo? 

 A: The lawyer charges more. 

••

Black folks who don't want to look like 

they fell into a barrel of flour have a 

special talcum powder developed just for 

them, 

a black variety called Talcum X.....

••

these people were invited to the big game.... 

Schubert said he'd come, but there was 

something he had to finish first. 

Chairman Mao said he'd write the date down 

in his little red book. 

Dr. Jekyll was in two minds. 

Morse's reply was, "I'll be there on the dot. 

Can't stop now, need to dash." 

Boyle said he was under too much pressure. 

D.B. Cooper said he might drop in. 

Archimedes was buoyant. 

••

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my 

stomach started rumbling and I realized that I 

desperately needed to fart. 

The place was packed but the music was really 

loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment 

I timed my farts to the beat of the music. 

After a couple of songs I started to feel much 

better. 

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone 

was staring at me…. 

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to 

my Ipod.....

••

The Washington Redskins are changing their 

name because of all the negativity, shame, 

humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, 

defiance, hatred, animosity, contempt, 

discrimination, division, violence, 

counter-productivity, ill-spirit, un-Godliness, 

and hostility associated with their name. 

From now on they will be known simply as the 

Redskins......

••

Two women were at a bar. 

One looked at the other and said, "You know, 

eighty percent of all men think the best way to 

end a fight is to make love." 

"Well," said the other woman, "if that was true, 

that would certainly revolutionize the game of 

hockey!"    

••

What has two legs, spots, and bleeds? 

Half a cheetah.

••

An old immigrant who had served as for the 

US during WWII had been invited to speak at 

a luncheon of the ladies' auxiliary of a VFW 

post. 

Of course the ladies wanted to hear of his 

prowess in battle. 

The ladies all gasped when he started "I was 

flying recon when this fokker came right at me 

out of the sun..." Another man interrupted and 

said "Now ladies,it's not what you think you 

heard. 

A Fokker is a type of German airplane." 

The old veteran said "Yea, well that fokker was 

a Messerschmitt." 

••

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on 

an attorney? 

 A: A doberman pinscher. 

••

The middle-aged married couple finally moved 

into the condo of their dreams, but right next 

door to a very sexy fashion model. 

The husband had taken to borrowing this or that 

from their neighbour and it seemed to the wife 

that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually 

pounded on the wall between the two apartments. 

There being no response she telephoned, only to 

get the answering machine. 

Finally she went to the model's door and just kept 

ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed, 

"I would like to know why it is my husband takes 

so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these 

interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

••••

••

••

♥

Quarterback Tom Brady was given a new Chevy 

pickup truck for being the MVP of the SuperBowl. 

He wasn't at all impressed with the way the truck 

handled...until he let some air out of all the tires.

•• 

There's nothing sadder than a bald eagle with a 

combover. 

••

 If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go 

wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will. 

      --Paul Harvey-- 

••

I always knew I’d end up drunk in a gutter. 

I just didn’t expect everyone around me to keep 

bowling. 

••

My wife said I'm the best in bed....

Damn right, I can sleep for days if necessary. 

••

A nudist resort at Benares 

Took a midget in all unawares. 

But he made members weep 

For he just couldn't keep 

His nose out of private affairs. 

••

Remember When...

Memory was something you lost with age...

An application was for employment...

A program was a TV show...

A cursor used profanity...

A keyboard was a piano...

A web was a spider's home...

A virus was the flu...

A CD was a bank account...

A hard drive was a long trip on the road...

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived...

And if you had a 3-inch floppy . . . You just

hoped nobody ever found out!

••

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves  

at the same time he does. 

••

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with 

an inflamed appendix. 

The doctors operated and advised him that all 

was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling 

something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. 

Worried that it might mean a second surgery 

and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he 

got his energy and courage together enough to 

pull his hospital gown up enough so he could 

look at what was making him so uncomfortable. 

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private 

parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, 

the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. 

Written on the tape in large black letters: 

"Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford 

Explorer you pulled over last week. 

••

If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to  

tell them they need to relax. 

You'd be surprised how many people hadn't 

thought of that. 

••••

••

••

♥

Only in America........... 

do we accept weather predictions from a dirty 

rodent but deny climate change evidence from 

highly educated scientists. 

••

Just can't Please Some people.....

For years Americans have complained to the 

Government that their voices weren't being heard.

Now they are freaking out over the NSA.

••

I met a blonde in a bar last night and I asked, 

“What’s your name?”

“It’s K,” she replied.

“That’s sexy,” I said, “What’s it short for?”

She smiled and answered, “So I can spell it.”

••

A rare weather phenomenon threatens America 

with brutal cold and a chance of thundersnow.

••

Son: Dad, what's a religious traitor?

 Father: A person who leaves our church and 

joins another.

 Son: And what is a person who leaves another 

church and joins ours?

 Father: A convert, son, a blessed convert.

••

An ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet. 

Oh my god, that damn thing would never shut up. 

But the bird was cool.

••

Q: What do you call a clean idiot? 

A: Soap on a dope. 

••

A new business was opening, and one of the 

owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. 

But when the owner read the card with the 

flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”

The owner was little upset and called the florist 

to complain. 

After he had told the florist about the obvious 

mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for 

the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you 

should imagine this: Somewhere there is a 

funeral taking place today, and they have flowers 

with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new 

location.” 

••

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the 

carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

"Shhh let sleeping dogs lie." 

••

Yo mama so nasty she made speed stick slow 

down.

Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.

Yo mama so nasty she made right guard turn left.

Yo mama so nasty the fishery be paying her to 

leave

Yo mama so nasty she has to creep up on 

bathwater.

Yo mama so nasty I called her to say hello, and 

she ended up giving me an ear infection.

••••

••

••

♥

Flex went on a date with a girl last night. 

He said, "You look lovely, by the way." 

"Thanks," she smiled. 

"My dad made me what I am today." 

"You come from a rich family?" he asked. 

She said, "No, he's a transgender surgeon." 

••

Wife: I hate that beggar.

 Husband: Why?

 Wife: Yesterday, I gave him food. Later he gave 

me a book titled "How to cook".

••

If the febreze commercial with the rooms fill 

with rotting garbage inspires you to buy febreze. 

Then you need to clean your damn house.

••

 I used to smoke pot and go to class.

 Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. 

Slink down low at my desk. 

Pray to god nobody ask me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

••

The rodents in my home are so damn big,  

they step in the glue traps and wear them like 

flip-flops around the house. 

••

Modern Travel: To promote airline safety, a 

proposed FAA rule would require that every 

suitcase checked on a US flight be on the same 

plane as its owner. 

"That means that even though you want to fly 

to Orlando at 9 am, you may end up on the 

10 pm plane to Boise." 

Major airlines oppose the plan. 

"They are even against a less stringent rule that 

would require luggage and owners to be in the

same country." 

••

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, 

I raised my kale smoothie & the officer 

immediately waved me through.

••

Why bicycles are better than women: 

1. If you say horrible things to your bicycle, you 

don't have to apologize before you can ride it 

again. 

2. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want 

to and it won't get sore. 

3. If your bicycle is too loose you can tighten it. 

4. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles. 

5. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive 

at the same time. 

6. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really 

wrong. 

7. Bicycles don't get pregnant. 

••

Grandma found out I'm single, so I have roughly  

an hour to find a girlfriend or Ill be getting the 

'have you thought about being a priest' talk again. 

••

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin.

••

 My father was completely lost in the kitchen and 

never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. 

When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to 

go to the supermarket for her. 

She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of 

seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and 

proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. 

He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, 

three hams, four boxes of detergent, 

five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven 

green peppers.

••••

••

••

♥

The distressed-looking man had downed several 

drinks in rapid succession before the bartender 

asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, 

buddy?" 

"You could say that," the guy replied. 

"It usually doesn't work, you know." 

"No kidding," the man moaned. 

"I can't even get my wife anywhere near the 

water!"

••

I'm not getting married until Pizza Hut allows 

gift registry. 

••

Ours is a good restaurant, said the manager. 

"If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in 

the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the 

hottest coffee in the world, and"

" I believe you, said the customer. 

"I ordered a small steak..

••

I'm going to start telling women that I'm available

for a limited time only and hope that their 

shopping instinct kicks in. 

••

Viagra is available in powdered form - 

I mixed some in my milk today - did nothing for 

me but the Oreos didn't get limp !! 

••

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and 

put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is 

getting out of hand. 

••

I was at the zoo today watching a gorilla 

picking his nose, wiping it on the ground then 

eating it. 

I thought, "That's terrible! ... 

How did he get hold of one of my wife's recipes?" 

••

One night, a caveman comes running into his 

cave and says, "Whew! There was a tiger chasing 

me all the way across the savannah! 

His wife asks, "Why?

The caveman replied, "I didn't stop to ask!

••

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little 

girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride 

dressed in white?" 

"Because white is the color of happiness and 

today is the happiest day of her life." 

Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. 

The child thought about this for a moment, 

then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

••

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind 

of man your wife would have preferred.

••

Operator: 919, emergency services. 

Which service do you require? 

Me: Oh! Don't mind me, I was just cleaning cake 

off the touch screen.

••••