•ºº•

••

♥

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,

because by then your body and your fat have 

gotten to be really good friends. 

••

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after 

I die?" 

The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."

The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I 

die?" 

The husband responds, 

"No, I will also live with your sister." 

••

I was in a supermarket and I saw a man and 

woman wrapped in a bar code. 

I asked them if they were an item. 

••

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man 

into next week. 

He then roundhouse kicked himself into next 

week, so he could roundhouse the man another 

week forward. 

••

Well, that didn't work.

Anybody need 1000 custom candy hearts saying 

"Threesome?" 

••

Wife:-Whenever I sing classical why do you 

stand in the balcony?

Husband:-To ensure that our neighbors don't 

think, I'm not doing it forcibly..

••

Woman at opticians-I am returning the glasses

I bought for my husband

He is still not seeing things my way.

••

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you 

take time to look for it. 

For example I am sitting here thinking how nice 

it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 

••

No matter how busy I am at work, 

I'm never too busy to complain about how busy 

I am at work. 

••

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very 

hard landing in Salt Lake City: 

The flight attendant came on the intercom and 

said, "That was quite a bump and I know what 

ya'll are thinking. 

I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, 

it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight 

attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"

••

Jeter fans, own a piece of history..... 

I'm a locker room attendant at Camden Yards. 

When the Yankees were here last week, in the 

fifth inning of the final game Derek Jeter ran 

down to the locker room to use the restroom. 

He forgot to flush. 

He left a decent sized turd in the bowl, which I 

have retrieved, preserved, and lovingly encased 

in a glass case. 

I've had it tested and have a certificate of 

authenticity from a major sports auction house. 

Derek Jeter will never again drop a deuce in 

Baltimore as an active player. 

You can own the last number two left by number 

two ever at Camden Yards. 

Best offer over $5000.

••••

••

••

♥

Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my 

neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m. 

••

I maintained a 4.0 average in college. 

Unfortunately, that was my blood/alcohol level. 

••

What do toys and womens breasts have in 

common?

They were both originally made for kids, but 

dad ends up playing with them......

••

Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. 

If cavemen could have eaten donuts they 

would have. 

••

Deborah, the busty blonde who was on vacation, 

sent home a postcard.

She writes: Hi folks, me having a great time. 

Where am I?

••

Currently helping my son search 

for his chocolate that I ate last night. 

••

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev 

Desert in Israel and came upon a casket 

containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence 

in Israel, to say the least. 

After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of 

the Israel museum in Jerusalem. 

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy 

of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited 

scientist exclaimed. 

Abe replied, "Bring him in. 

We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed Abe called the 

archaeologist. 

"You were right about both the mummy's age 

and cause of death. 

How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand 

that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

••

Your hair turns white when you get old 

for evolutionary reasons. 

Predators leave you alone if they think you're 

a wizard..

•• 

I practice safe sex. 

I meet my mistress at least thirty miles from 

home. 

••

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking 

along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. 

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat 

runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, 

"how important it is for you to learn a foreign 

language?" 

••

The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask 

how to operate the new coffeemaker received 

as a wedding gift. 

The salesman carefully explained how 

everything worked; how to plug it in, set the 

timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is 

ready.

A few weeks later the lady was back in the 

store and the salesman asked her how she liked 

the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully

inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I 

want to make a pot of coffee."

••

My mother said, "You won't amount to 

anything because you procrastinate."

I said, "Just wait." 

••••

••

••

♥

Tried to give up smoking using those nicotine 

patches. 

They're useless. 

Every time I try to light one I get second degree 

burns on my shoulder. 

••

Brother Bob was on vacation from the Army 

but they caught him and took him back.

••

I was so drunk one time, I walked up to a 

parking meter and put in a quarter. 

When the needle stopped at 60.... 

I remember thinking, Shit, 

I can't believe I lost 100#. 

••

If you want to determine who is in charge in a 

relationship, just perform this simple test: 

The next time you get out of bed to turn the light 

out before going to sleep - look back at your 

partner lying in bed. 

That person is in charge.....

•• 

Two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at 

the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look 

tired."

His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. 

My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.

She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day.

I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 75+, sitting a couple of stools 

down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with 

the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her..... That'll put a stop to that shit."

••

I know a bailiff who moonlights as a bartender. 

He makes the best subpoena coladas in town. 

••

Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local 

Boston Irish and they took him to an upscale 

"Irish" pub.

"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is,"

he said, looking with delight into his glass.

"Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole 

in it!"

"I sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan.

"Bin married to one fer fifteen years."

••

A college student challenged a senior citizen, 

saying it was impossible for their generation to 

understand his. 

“You grew up in a different world,” the student 

said. 

“Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, 

nuclear energy, computers…”

Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s 

litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. 

We didn’t have those things when we were young; 

so we invented them! 

What are you doing for the next generation??”

••

Today I saw a Boy Scout slip on some ice. 

Fortunately, a little old lady was there to help 

him across the street.

••

When the judge called the case of People vs. 

Steven Lewon Crook.

The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell 

and called, "Crook, come forward." 

Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom. 

••••

••

••

♥

Why didn't I have a New Years kiss? 

I don't kiss on the first date.

••

I drank a bunch of cocktails last night that were 

carrot juice and whiskey. 

I remember being really sloshed, but I could see 

for miles.... 

••

What doesn't Malaysia Airlines... 

offer its customers? 

Frequent Flier Miles.....

••

If you get an email telling you that you can catch 

Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. 

It's Spam.

••

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. 

Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 

minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going 

to shift this beer belly.

••

I had a really bad day...

First my ex got run over by a bus..

I got fired from my job as a bus driver......

Bummer.

••

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a 

complex sentence? 

A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a 

complex sentence has a pause at the end of its 

clause. 

••

A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for 

many years is upset by the fact that he's never 

been able to eat pork. 

So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote 

tropical island and checks into a hotel.

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest 

restaurant and orders the most expensive pork 

dish on the menu. 

As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he 

hears his name called from across the restaurant.

He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants 

approaching. 

His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the 

same remote location!

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a 

huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with 

an apple in its mouth. 

The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants 

and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place 

and look how it's served!" 

••

“The testimony at the barbershop is mostly 

hair-say.”

••

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the 

couch, "You've got to help me! 

Every night I have the same horrible dream. 

I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women 

rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. 

And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please--break my arms!" 

••

My dog recently had a litter..... 

The female pups are great, but every one of 

the male pups is a son of a bitch..

••••

A NEW Year...

••

••

♥

NEW YEAR'S LOGIC;

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot 

on its unceasing orbit around the sun. 

2. Time to lay off chocolate.

•• 

[at daycare]

Me: I'm here to pick up my son

Daycare: what's he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok...

•• 

Afraid to fly? 

It's perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers

are all government employees forced to work the 

holidays. 

Happy New Year! 

••

How did anybody express anger before the 

invention of the caps lock key?

••

My grandson shoved a piece of lettuce in my ear 

while visiting over Christmas. 

I couldn't get it out so went to my doctor. 

He said, "well, that's different." 

I said, "yeah, and that's only the tip of the 

iceberg!".

••

A computer beat me at chess recently. 

I challenged it to a round of kickboxing. 

I knocked the crap out of it....

•• 

I came up with an excellent technique to get my 

2 year old to behave perfectly. 

I take my 2 year old for a stroll in one of those 

strollers that are built for twins. 

Then I say to him, 'You were a Twin but your 

Brother wouldn't listen'.... 

Works fantastic. 

Kid really does listen. 

Oh sure, he twitches a lot now but talk about 

picking up his toys when told!...

•• 

I went to my doctor today. 

He drew an enormous amount of blood from me. 

I don't recommend you see Dr Acula. 

••

The girl says, "You would be a good dancer 

except for two things." 

The boy asks, "What are those  are those two 

things?" 

 The girl answers, "Your feet."

••

At the register: "Find everything ok?" 

"No I figured I'd get in line, pay for just a few 

things, then start the process all over again."

•• 

Put a "STUDENT DRIVER" sign on top of your 

car, and nobody suspects you of drunk driving. 

••••