••
♥
Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my
neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m.
••
I maintained a 4.0 average in college.
Unfortunately, that was my blood/alcohol level.
••
What do toys and womens breasts have in
common?
They were both originally made for kids, but
dad ends up playing with them......
••
Here’s the thing about the paleo diet.
If cavemen could have eaten donuts they
would have.
••
Deborah, the busty blonde who was on vacation,
sent home a postcard.
She writes: Hi folks, me having a great time.
Where am I?
••
Currently helping my son search
for his chocolate that I ate last night.
••
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev
Desert in Israel and came upon a casket
containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence
in Israel, to say the least.
After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of
the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy
of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited
scientist exclaimed.
Abe replied, "Bring him in.
We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the
archaeologist.
"You were right about both the mummy's age
and cause of death.
How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand
that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
••
Your hair turns white when you get old
for evolutionary reasons.
Predators leave you alone if they think you're
a wizard..
••
I practice safe sex.
I meet my mistress at least thirty miles from
home.
••
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking
along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat
runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby,
"how important it is for you to learn a foreign
language?"
••
The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask
how to operate the new coffeemaker received
as a wedding gift.
The salesman carefully explained how
everything worked; how to plug it in, set the
timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is
ready.
A few weeks later the lady was back in the
store and the salesman asked her how she liked
the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully
inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I
want to make a pot of coffee."
••
My mother said, "You won't amount to
anything because you procrastinate."
I said, "Just wait."
••••
