••

••

♥

Dad: *consoling friend who is a baker*

I'm really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. 

Looks like your business is toast now. 

••

Why do women always take sooo long to put their 

makeup on?" 

Because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, 

clearly! 

••

The one thing that unites all human beings, 

regardless of age, gender, religion, economic 

status or ethnic background, is that, deep down 

inside, we ALL believe that we are above average 

drivers. 

••

Apparently saying "If you think your wife is fat 

now, wait till she has the baby" is not a good way 

to congratulate someone. 

••

A visitor to a college campus paused to admire 

the new Hemingway Hall. 

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for 

Ernest Hemingway."

"Actually," said the guide, "it's named for Joshua 

Hemingway..... No relation."

"Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?"

"Yes, indeed.... 

He wrote a check."

••

My wife won’t allow me in Victoria’s Secret 

this time of year, especially after I told her the 

women there had their panties half-off during 

December. 

••

A riddle; 

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only 

has one letter? 

A: An envelope. 

••

My neighbors listen to some really good music, 

whether they want to or not.

••

Parallels Between Lincoln & Obama; 

 1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his 

inauguration, Obama used the same Bible. 

 2. Lincoln came from Illinois. 

Obama comes from Illinois . 

 3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. 

Obama served in the Illinois Legislature. 

 4. Lincoln had very little experience before 

becoming President, Obama had very little 

experience before becoming President. 

 5. Lincoln rode the train from Philly to 

Washington for his inauguration. 

Obama rode the train from Philly to Washington 

for his inauguration. 

 6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. 

Obama is a skinny lawyer. 

 7. Lincoln was a Republican. 

Obama is a skinny lawyer. 

 8. Lincoln was highly respected. 

Obama is a skinny lawyer. 

 9. Lincoln was born in the United States. 

Obama is a skinny lawyer. 

 10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called 

Honest Abe. 

Obama is a skinny lawyer. 

••

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and 

"mental illness."

••

I tried to get in touch with my inner child- 

but he's not allowed to talk to strangers. 

••••

••

••

♥

Power goes out* 

 Wife: I can't see!

Shoes light up....

Me: Ha! Whose shoes were "a waste of money" 

& "clearly meant for a large child" now?! 

••

The guy next door just put up his Christmas 

lights... 

I bet he's pissed because I beat him, 

I put mine up 5 years ago.. 

••

I Have A Buddy... That likes to drink. 

The last time that I was with him he was 

hammered. 

He yelled out "I can whip Mike Tyson!" 

Then after more drinks and about 10 minutes 

later he yells "I can whip anybody in this bar!" 

Thirty minutes later he yells "I can whip anybody 

in this hospital!!" 

••

You know you're getting old; there are certain 

signs. 

I walked past a cemetery and two guys ran after 

me with shovels.   —Rodney Dangerfield

••

"I've never flown before, said the nervous old 

lady to the pilot. 

"You will bring me down safely, won't you? 

"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that 

I've never left anyone up there yet!"

••

How Many Dogs does it Take to Screw in a Light 

Bulb?

* Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is 

young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and 

you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out 

light bulb? 

* Border Collie: Just one. 

And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 

* Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp! 

* Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's 

ear and he'll do it. 

By the time he finishes rewiring the house, 

my nails will be dry. 

* Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me! 

* Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . . 

* Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the 

light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? 

* Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. 

You can feed me while he's busy. 

* Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee 

on the carpet in the dark. 

* Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going 

to sleep on the couch. 

* Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. 

* Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 

* Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 

* Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? 

I've got a hangover. 

* Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there... 

* Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? 

••

I used to be schizophrenic, 

but we're all right now. 

••

I wouldn't say my psychiatrist is busy, but his 

couch has an upper and lower berth. 

••

Two doctors discussing: Gus....

Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"

"Extremely so. 

Why, the other night when he got home he knew 

there was something he wanted to do, but he 

couldn't remember what it was until he had sat 

up over an hour trying to think."

"And did he finally remember it?"

"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed 

early."

••

Did you hear what happened at the O.J. Simpson 

invitational golf classic? 

They were slicing them right and left. 

••••

••

••

♥

Never let a medical procedure scare you.

That's what the bill is for. 

••

I'm confused. 

Was Black Friday an Ebola fundraiser or 

Ferguson's tribute to Michael Brown? 

••

Go to Heaven for the climate, 

Hell for the company.

     —Mark Twain

••

I took my car in for an oil change. 

The mechanic advised me to keep the oil and 

change the car.

••

I have a stereo system in my car..... 

My wife in the front and my mother-in-law in 

the back..

••  

In the washroom at the airport I saw a 

handwritten sign posted over one of those 

hot air hand dryers that read: 

"Please push button and listen For a short 

message From the President!" 

There's nothing like hot air and the smell of fresh 

crap to give you that true Obama presence.....

••

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after 

the operation. 

B: Yes, of course. 

A: Great. I never could before......  

••

A business owner lamented: "Advertising sure is 

effective. 

I listed an opening for a night watchman in the 

newspaper, and by the following morning my 

warehouse had been robbed!"

••

Sometimes I like to skip my digestive system and 

just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my 

toilet. 

••

Do you know why... 

Turtle Wax is so expensive? 

Because turtles have really tiny ears. 

••

I'm sorry I threw rocks at you when you said you 

wanted to get stoned. 

I had just gotten out of church. 

••••

••

••

♥

Hello, princess. Can I call you princess? 

 - No.

 - OK then, Mr. Hey, let's just get started with 

your prostate exam....

•• 

Doctor: I've got the results of your test; 

you have gonorrhea, chlamydia and 

onomatopoeia. 

Me: What's onomatopoeia? 

Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like.

(Had to Google that...and, no, I'm not telling. 

Google it yourselves, lol. )

••

You people who pull back the shower curtain 

checking for psycopathic murderers ... 

if you find one, what's your plan? 

••

My neighbour has diabetes and now she won't 

make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things 

always happen to me. 

•• 

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. 

I hope someday he finds a girl who has 

marshmallows tattooed all over hers. 

••

A: "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?" 

B: "No, I'm sorry I don't." 

A: "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block 

to the left." 

••

On soy milk cartons, the missing kids are always 

named "Skylar" and were last seen getting into 

a Prius. 

••

I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex 

for a while.

My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, 

cuz sex is like riding a bicycle.

I know it's been a while, but I don't ever 

remember pedaling... 

••

The dishwasher is making a strange noise. 

Probably because she's outside shoveling the 

driveway. 

••

If you think Special K is boring, wait till you try 

Normal K. 

••

I was out walking with my then 4-year-old 

daughter. 

She picked up something off the ground and 

started to put it in her mouth. 

I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty 

and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total 

admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you 

know all this stuff?"

Uh, I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows 

this stuff. 

Um, it's on the Mommy Test. 

You have to know it, or they don't let you be a 

Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, 

but she was evidently pondering this new 

information.

OH...I get It!" she beamed, "So if you flunk, 

you have to be the Daddy."

♦♦♦♦

•ºº•

••

♥

I never thought I would say this, 

"Charles Manson is having a better week then 

Bill Crosby"

••

Saw a pregnant mannequin at the mall. 

What pervert goes around knocking up 

mannequins?

••

You abandon your family to spend 7 hours in 

line to save $15 on a DVD player? 

You call it Black Friday. 

I call it White Trash.

••

When your ass gets splashed after dropping your 

business, that's just the lavatory telling you, 

"Good Job."

••

I’m losing count trying to keep up with all the 

voices in my head.

••

One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan 

Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for 

breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the 

counter looked kind of exhausted. 

After I gave him my order, he asked me how I 

wanted my eggs.

Not wanting to burden him further, I said 

cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you."

With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open 

onto my plate and handed it back to me..

••

Mom said angels are watching over me... 

I'm just afraid they're taking notes to make sure 

I go to hell.

••

Wife: How come you don't do romantic things 

like running through the rain holding my hand? 

Husband: Because I use an umbrella. 

••

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of 

chapstick... 

She's still not talking to me :(

••

I thought I would get Stevie Wonder a cheese 

grater for Christmas, but I wanted to test it out 

first so I gave it to a blind friend of mine. 

I asked my friend what he thought of it. 

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever 

read. 

••

Dear Dairy, it's been 3 years and I still can't spell 

you correctly.

••••