••
♥
Never let a medical procedure scare you.
That's what the bill is for.
••
I'm confused.
Was Black Friday an Ebola fundraiser or
Ferguson's tribute to Michael Brown?
••
Go to Heaven for the climate,
Hell for the company.
—Mark Twain
••
I took my car in for an oil change.
The mechanic advised me to keep the oil and
change the car.
••
I have a stereo system in my car.....
My wife in the front and my mother-in-law in
the back..
••
In the washroom at the airport I saw a
handwritten sign posted over one of those
hot air hand dryers that read:
"Please push button and listen For a short
message From the President!"
There's nothing like hot air and the smell of fresh
crap to give you that true Obama presence.....
••
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after
the operation.
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great. I never could before......
••
A business owner lamented: "Advertising sure is
effective.
I listed an opening for a night watchman in the
newspaper, and by the following morning my
warehouse had been robbed!"
••
Sometimes I like to skip my digestive system and
just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my
toilet.
••
Do you know why...
Turtle Wax is so expensive?
Because turtles have really tiny ears.
••
I'm sorry I threw rocks at you when you said you
wanted to get stoned.
I had just gotten out of church.
••••
