Good Morning....Everybody.....

.

Now he's kinda weird......

.

Bite the dirt.....That's gotta hurt.....

.

OMG..I'm not gonna say anything........

.

Hey....I'm only the messanger...don't shoot......

.

Now....thats a no-no....starting them young.......

.

A goat??  something an't right!

.

I have no idea?? but it's cool looking..

.

I don't think it will work...look at the handle......

.

♥♥♥

                                                                                                                                                                   ~~ A quiet new nurse was starting her first evening in a

tight-knit ER.
The other nurses were concerned that she might not share
in the workplace banter they had developed.
Their fears were soon relieved.
One night, one of the nurses observed this new nurse
sitting alone at the nurses' station.
"Are you the only fool here?" the veteran asked.
"Not now," replied the newbie, without missing a beat.

.
~~ A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her
six-month- old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby.
Two elderly women approached the mother.
"Are they twins?" one asked.
"No, they're three months apart."
"My! You sure had them close together."

.
~~ "I see you last worked in a psychiatrist's office,"
said the employment agency director to the nurse.
"Why did you leave?"
"Well," the nurse replied, "I just couldn't win.
If I was late to work, I was hostile.
If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.
If I was on time, I was compulsive."

.
~~ Attorney Rodney Donohoo, of Santa Ana, California,
was riding up an elevator with two elderly women one day.
One of the ladies asked if the lawyers had offices on all the
top floors of the building.
"Yes, they do," Donohoo replied.
"It's a good thing," the woman told her friend.
"That's probably as close to heaven as most lawyers will
ever get."

.
~~ At my age, when a girl flirts with me in the movies,
she's after my popcorn.

.
~~ "Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers?
Men don't like flowers.....
I've been wearing a great new scent.
It's called 'New Car Interior'." (Rita Rudner)

.
~~ Bobbie and I were discussing diet tips.
When I mentioned that getting enough exercise and
sleep were just as important as watching food intake,
Bobbie responded with surprise that sleep was a factor.
Gus replied: "Of course sleep has a lot to do with dieting.
The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping!"

.
~~ After giving the hired man a dressing down for being late
in returning with supplies, the farmer demanded,
"Okay, now let's hear how it happened, Miller."
"Well, I picked up a minister along the road,"
explained the hired hand,
"and from there on the mules couldn't understand a word I said."

.
~~ One rainy day I watched a neighbor struggling to push her
toddler in a stroller with one hand and control her poodle with
the other.
The dog didn’t want to get its paws wet and was refusing to walk.
I was about to put on my jacket to offer some help when the
trio disappeared behind some hedges.
When they reappeared, she seemed to have sorted out
her problem: The toddler and the dog were in the stroller.

.
~~ Wisdom has two parts:
1) Having a lot to say.
2) Not saying it.

.
~~ It was a cold winter day in Philadelphia,
the roads were icy and I was nearly frozen as I ran
across Frankford Avenue, heading home for lunch.
I was almost at the sidewalk when I slipped and fell.
I tried to get up, but slipped again.
The traffic light was changing,
and I frantically crawled to the curb on my hands and knees.
An elderly gentleman came over to help me.
"You know," he scolded, "that's no way to cross the street."

.
~~ When your mother asks,
"Do you want a piece of advice?"
it is a mere formality.
It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no.
You're going to get it anyway.

.
~~ A rabbi was opening his mail one morning.
Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope
he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced,
"I have known many people who have written letters and
forgot to sign their names,
but this week I received a letter from someone who
signed his name...and forgot to write a letter.

.
~~ The sergeant was in one of his rare moods as he
lectured the recruits.
"Let me ask you a simple question, what is fortification?"
There was no response.
Nor did any of the rookies answer when he repeated
the question.
Walking up to the new man who looked closest to normal,
the sergeant barked right into his face,
"What is fortification?"
The soldier gulped and managed an answer,
"Two twentifications, Sarge!"
.
.
Todays Thought:  If pigs had wings, they'd look pretty silly.
.

Good Morning.....Friends..A nice rainy day....

.

An't he cute.......

.

You know that cars been here along time....

.

Sleepy ......?

.

I don't think so........

.

Banana art.....

.

For Sale...like new....few scratches....

.

All fixed.......good job ?

.

Wonder were the seeing eye dog is??

.

♥♥♥

~~ It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska.

Pat is drinking at his local saloon, and the bartender says to him,
"You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender.
"I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right
here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender.
"I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid.".

.
~~ One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a
sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks,
realised he was the last person in the bar except for a
chap sleeping at one of the tables.
The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.
"Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.
"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up.
Why don't you send that other fellow home?"
"Well, I should," said the other.
Then, with Gallic logic, he added,
"But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and ...
pays it again.".

.
~~ By the time a woman realizes her mother was right,
she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

.
~~ A few days before my son was to start kindergarten,
he declared he did not intend to go to school.
"You're very lucky to have been born in a country where
the government guarantees each child an education,"
I told him.
"This way everyone grows smart and invents things to
make life better."
I assumed I had made my point, until the next day.
"Dad," he asked nervously.
"If everyone in the country is smart,
and just one person is stupid, will it make a big difference?"

.
~~ They used to say a recession is when your neighbor
lost his job, and a depression is when you lost yours,
but now they say a recession is when Wall Street gets
bailed out, and a depression is what you get thinking about it.

.
~~ "Hi, sweetheart," Bobbie said to her six-year-old niece,
Allison, when she phoned. "What's new?"
"Well, Aunt Bobbie, you know those chocolate chip cookies
you made us?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied. "Is anything wrong with them?"
"Well, er, kind of."
"What? Didn't I put in enough chocolate chips?"
"Well, uh, it's not that," she stammered.
"Allison, what's wrong?"
"Well, I just thought you'd like to know...
I'm eating the last one."

.
~~ Sue was six months pregnant when the bank where
she worked acquired the property next door and began
renovations to the building.
Management supplied T-shirts for them to wear at work
so their clothes wouldn't get dusty.
After seeing them, however, she was less than enthusiastic.
Bold letters across the front stated:
“Expanding to serve you better.”

.
~~ Dinosaurs are fascinating.
My four-year-old is obsessed with them.
Recently we were riding on a bus, and he asked another
passenger for her name.
"My name is Deena," she said. "Can you say Deena?"
"Deena," said my son.......
"Can you say pachycephalosaurus?"

.
~~ My mother and grandmother often told me to eat the
crusts from my bread if I wanted curly hair.
I recently passed this piece of wisdom on to my five-year-old
granddaughter.
"It's okay, Grandma," Susan replied.
"Mom uses the curling iron."

.
~~ Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his
second wife to his success.

.
~~ Substituting in a kindergarten class,
I introduced myself and invited the children to help me
learn their routines and rules.
They spent the day filling me in on every little detail.
The next day, I taught the same class.
As I greeted the students at the classroom door that
morning, one of the little girls stopped short,
put her hand on her hip and looked me square in the face.
"I sure hope," she said,
"you didn't forget everything we taught you yesterday!"
.
.
Todays Thought: "If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be
sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."- Henny Youngman...
.

Good Morning...friends.. looks like a nice summer day...

But the leaves are starting to fall........
I'm wondering about the fall colours.......
.

The meeting...... The kid and the Tiger...
.

Salvador Dali, walkin' the anteaters.....
.

Somebodys been the food bag........now, I wonder...
.

Shark soup.......?
.

Rare photos of three bald eagles fighting.........
.

Why would you do this?? Looks so unreal......
.

This tat is so sick........
.

What can you say......I guess he liked his woman and his cards......
.

Ready for a hot shower?

.

♥♥♥

~~ Robert L. Ripley (1890-1949) had one of the largest

automobile collections in the world, yet he never knew
how to drive.

.
~~ A cinematographer worked on a movie with the same
glamorous actress he had worked with six years earlier.
This time she was unhappy with the result.
"I looked much better last time you filmed me," she said.
"Well," said the tactful man, "I was six years younger then."

.
~~ My daughter Ree worked in my law office while she
attended graduate school.
One morning a call came in for her.
I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message.
The caller said she'd phone back later.
At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Ree
had gone to lunch.
The last call came in at 3:30 p.m.
"I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day.
May I take a message?"
"Yes," the caller replied.
"How can I get a job with you?"

.
~~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

.
~~ Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to
become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed
the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."
"I don't know, Michael.
It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?"
"They're not cheap either."
"I'll use them Dad, I promise....... You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed
for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What!...
You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

.
~~ VISITOR - "Do you like playing the trombone, dear?"
CHILD - "Oh, no, I hate it, really, but Mommy makes me do it when
she wants people to go."

.
~~ My husband is a car nut.
That's why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our
fifth wedding anniversary.
It read, "The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!"

.
~~ For every problem there's a simple solution.
Unfortunately it's usually wrong.

.
~~ At my twelve-year-old's request, I loaded my Rolling Stones
tunes onto his iPod.
"I had no idea you liked the Stones," I said.
"Sure. I like all that old-fashioned music," he said.
"What do you mean, 'old-fashioned music'?"
"You know," he said defensively. "Music from the 1900s."

.
~~ QUESTION: Why are teeth like verbs?
ANSWER: They are regular, irregular and defective.

.
~~ George V (1865-1936), an avid stamp collector,
was with his private secretary one afternoon when his
secretary remarked,"I see in The Times today that some
damn fool has given fourteen hundred pounds for a single
stamp at a private sale."
The king replied, "I am that damn fool."

.
~~ A small town is a place where there is little to see or do,
but what you hear makes up for it.

.
~~ Gus took his family to visit a living history museum,
which included seeing houses and stores that were more than
one hundred years old.
After they entered an old one-room schoolhouse Gus pointed
to a desk that had an empty hole for an ink bottle.
"What do you think this hole was for? he asked his kids.
His twelve-year-old son Arty replied, "It's a Coke can holder."
.
.

Todays Thought: Those who do not read are no better off than those who cannot.
.

Good Morning....friends....Warm for the first day of Autumn...
We're going to have showers today........
.

Okay....I'll get you a nut..........
.

Got to be careful picking black berries.....

.

This little guy wants to smoke........or is he just hungry?..

.

Moving this old house..... with a pick-up ???

.

Kind of different head stone..... Worlds best??

.

Now....this little guy was hungry........

.

No thank you.........

.

Things to do while eating your whooper......

.

Well, I guess I'll get some rest.........

.

♥♥♥

~~ On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to
order a quart of potato salad.
"We don't sell it by the quart," the clerk snapped.
"Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.
I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked,
"Do you want it in one container?"

.
~~~ If you think marriage is going to be perfect,
you're probably still at your reception.

.
~~ While driving in the car with my son,
I had an "oldies" radio station on.
It played a song that I remembered from the 1960's.
"You know, Bobby, this song was on when I was in bed
with a broken leg when I was young."
"Gee, Dad, that's too bad," he replied.
"You couldn't even get up to turn it off."

.
~~ A mother walks in on her 6 year-old son and
finds him sobbing.
"What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, Honey, that's wonderful."
Being a wise mother, she recognized his victory in the struggle
of autonomy versus doubt:
"You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest
of my life."

.
~~ "I have no respect for gangs today.
None...... They just drive by and shoot people.
At least in the old days, like in West Side Story,
the gangs used to dance with each other."

.
~~ He (awkward dancer) -
"It was nice of you to give me this dance."
She (sweetly) - "Not at all...this is a charity ball."

.
~~ Bobbie: Gee, you smell good.
What have you got on?
Gus: Clean socks.

.

~~ Sherry, was exasperated with her younger sister,
who bought an unreliable car and called her for a ride
every time it broke down.
One day Sherry got yet another one of those calls.
"What happened this time?" she asked.
"My brakes went out," her sister said.
"Can you come and get me?"
"Where are you ?" Sherry asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," her sister responded."
And where's the car?"
"In here with me."

.
~~ If you're having trouble trying to distinguish among all the
sporting events that take up so much of television programming,
here is a simple rule to help you:
baseball is a game played to pipe organ music and
football is a game played to marching band music.

.
~~ Sign posted in the Army recruiting office:
"Marry a veteran, girls.
He can cook, make beds, sew and is already used to taking orders."

.
~~ A survey sent out to our contractors posed the question
"What motivates you to come to work every day?"
One guy answered, "Probation officer."

.
~~ While out walking on the African veld one day,
a missionary suddenly came face to face with a lion.
Thinking that his situation was hopeless,
he sank to his knees in prayer,
but then became greatly relieved when the lion got down on
his knees beside him.
"Dear brother lion," said the missionary,
"how heartening it is to find you joining me in Christian prayer
when a few moments ago I feared for my life!"
"Don't interrupt," growled the lion, "while I'm saying grace!"
.
.
Todays Thought: Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
.

Good Morning, Friends.........Well, I guess Summers over.........
We had a good one this year...... my garden didn't do much tho....
.

Carol sent me a picture of her newest picture she's painted...
I think she has talent...... I think it's very good......
.

Not a good place for a ship to be........
.

Brokeback Chihuahua...................

.

Look alikes................... cute..

.

How Taliban hide from the Americans.........................
.

A Baby siamang... Not a cute critter........

.

Oh...Oh.... don't get too close.....nothing worst then one from a bird....

.

Kids....don't try this at home...........

.

Wasn't a good read.........sorry!

.

♥♥♥

~~ My grandson asked why I called my wife Hon.
"It's a term of endearment," I explained.
My wife mumbled, "After more than 40 years,
it's a term of endurement."

.
~~ Teacher: What family does 'Shantungosaurus' belong to?
Jimmy: I don't know.......
I don't think any family in our neighborhood owns one.

.
~~ So many of Lassie's fans want to ask,
"Was she allowed on the furniture?"
Of course she was, but then, she was the one who paid for it.

.
~~ In order to pay his nursing school tuition,
a student was working two jobs over the summer,
as a butcher's assistant and as a hospital orderly,
both jobs that required the young man wear a long white coat.One night he was wheeling a woman into surgery,
when she sat up suddenly, looked him in the eye,
and screamed, "God save me! It's the butcher!"

.
~~ A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is
away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected,
sits, and gets the seat stuck to her butt.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband
to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat,
and they go.
When they get to the doctors,
the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

.
~~ A husband is about to leave on a business trip,
"Honey, if my business requires me to stay longer in that town.
I'll send you a card."
"Don't bother dear, I read it already, it's in the pocket of your coat."

.
~~ A man walks into a doctor's office.
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear
and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

.
~~ It's so ridiculous to see a golfer with a 1-foot putt and
everybody is saying "Shhh" and not moving a muscle.
Then we allow nineteen-year-old kids to face a game-deciding
free throw with seventeen thousand people yelling.

.
~~ My wife and I were in the woods searching for some
hard-to- find wild blackberries when I fell over some logs.
In quite a bit of pain, I yelled for my wife, who rushed right over.
With a look of grave concern, she asked, "Did you spill your berries?"

.
~~ Struggling to manage parenthood and a full-time job,
my wife finally reached her breaking point,....
"Sweetie," I consoled her, "you're a great mom, a great wife and
a great teacher.
You can't expect to be great at all three, all the time."
I was proud of how understanding I'd been, until she replied,
"Okay, I won't be a great wife."

.
~~ From Actual Court Records;
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body.
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.Attorney:
And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him!

.
~~ As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to
"make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable
achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to
take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Phil is such a person.
"I've often been asked,
'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background,
and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch,
and margaritas into urine.
I'm pretty darn good at it, too."

.
.
Todays Thought: "An exaggeration is a truth that has lost its temper.".

Good Morning....friends and neighbours...

Everyone have a good weekend?....

.

You gotta watch out for this dude....knows Karate.....

.

It's Gus....thinks he's a super Chicken..........

.

Oh.....No......

.

Any lower and they will fall......How do you walk??

.

He thought that last picture was weird.....

.

Yep....thats right......

.

Coke party??....

.

Blowing tea pots contest......... Why?

.

Not mine....you keep him.........

.

♥♥♥

~~ I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer

spectators. - Gerald Ford -

.

~~ Our son asked, if he could borrow some money to buy a car.

Gus explained that borrowing money is a bad habit.

"Son, I got my first motorcycle when I was 18, and with my

own money!

I got my first car at 23, and with my own money!

And I got my second car when I got married,

and with my own money!"

At this point the son interjected excitedly,

"So there's no problem...

this car would be with your own money as well!"

.

~~ While filling up at a gas station,

I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt.

When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose.

Embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease.

"If you smell gas," I said, "it's me."

.

~~ QUESTION: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that

sometimes she's borderline irrational.

ANSWER: So what's your question?

.

~~ Did you hear about the long-distance runner who took part

in a 100-mile race?

Well, he was in the lead and had one more mile to go, but he was

too tired to finish, so he turned around and ran back.

.

~~~ Turtles are helping science.

Not long ago, the heart of a turtle was put into a man.

The man walked out of that hospital one week later, and six weeks

later he reached his car!

.

~~~ Bobbie a friend of mine, told me about her weekend spent

babysitting her grandkids.

Her grandson wanted desperately to show her how well he dived

off the "big" diving board at the pool.

So she watched as he courageously climbed up the ladder, got into

position and jumped off, only to do a lopsided bellyflop.

She cringed and went to console him.

"That sure looked like it hurt!" she told him..... "Are you okay?"

"Grandma," he replied, "it hurt so bad that I think it broke a bone in my

heart!"

.

~~~ (March 1989, South Carolina) Michael Anderson Godwin was

a lucky murderer whose death sentence had been commuted to

life in prison.

Ironically, he was sitting on the metal toilet in his cell and attempting

to fix the TV set when he bit down on a live wire and electrocuted

himself.

.

~~ A lady went to see a tarot reader,

TAROT READER: Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that

your husband will die in the near future.

LADY: Don't tell me things that I already know,

tell me if there would be an investigation!!

.

~~ Professor Gonnen Dunnit of the physics department,

has spent a lifetime pursuing the as-of-yet unreachable goal

of creating cold fusion in the lab.

In his latest effort, he used molecules from corn to

trigger the process on the atomic level.

During one attempt, it seemed that Professor Dunnit actually

achieved his goal - the process resulted in a spherical burst

of energy.

The professor wrote it up and submitted it, but no other

scientist could duplicate his results.

The Nobel Prize committee considered his results but

dismissed Professor Dunnit's efforts, saying he had only

created a ball of corn fusion.

.

~~ After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the

troops.

"People," she said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be

having a fire sale."

"A fire sale?" spoke up one agent...... "But we sell insurance."

"I said a fire sale, and I meant it, she replied hotly.

"Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

.

~~ My friend and I were discussing our mutual weight problem

one evening, when I challenged her to a contest.

If I lost the most weight in the next month,

I wouldn't have to pay the $25 that I owed her.

If she lost the most weight, I would have to pay up.

Anything for an incentive!

"All right," said Bobbie happily.

"But let's wait two weeks before we start.

There are some things I have to eat first."

.

~~ A man goes to the doctor complaining about

stomach problems.

The doctor asks him what he's been eating.

"I only eat pool balls," he says.

"Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch,

blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."

"I see the problem," says the doctor.

"You're not getting enough greens."

.

~~ GREETING CARDS: When you care enough to send the

very best but not enough to actually write something.

.

.

Todays Thought: "People never lie so much as after a hunt,

during a war or before an election."

.