☺☺
♥
You know you are a redneck if you get written up on the
paper for a D.U.I. (driving under the influence of alcohol)
and your family buys extra copies.
paper for a D.U.I. (driving under the influence of alcohol)
and your family buys extra copies.
••
Fact: Bernie Sanders won't release his birth certificate
because it proves that when he was born he was already
a 74-year-old man...
because it proves that when he was born he was already
a 74-year-old man...
••
After applying for a job with a large company, a Newfie
was given an intelligence test by the human resources
department.
The question was: "Captain Cook went on three
expeditions and died on one of them.
Was it the first, the second or third?"
"Could I have another question instead?" asked the Newfie.
"I'm terrible at history."
After applying for a job with a large company, a Newfie
was given an intelligence test by the human resources
department.
The question was: "Captain Cook went on three
expeditions and died on one of them.
Was it the first, the second or third?"
"Could I have another question instead?" asked the Newfie.
"I'm terrible at history."
••
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to
a graveyard...
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to
a graveyard...
••
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO
COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN,
WHY ME LORD......
COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN,
WHY ME LORD......
••
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked......
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked......
••
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser
with an experienced partner.
A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse
some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small
crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get
off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the
corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting
puzzled glances in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned
to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this
was a bus stop."
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser
with an experienced partner.
A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse
some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small
crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get
off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the
corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting
puzzled glances in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned
to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this
was a bus stop."
••
The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
••
The World's Shortest Books:
Lawyers' Code of Ethics..
Mastering Inglish Grammer by George W. Bush..
Al Gore: The Wild Years..
The Amish Phone Directory..
O.J. Simpson: My Plan to Find the Real Killer..
A History of German Humor ..
How to Look Good at Sixty by Keith Richards..
Human Rights Advances in China..
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette ..
Lawyers' Code of Ethics..
Mastering Inglish Grammer by George W. Bush..
Al Gore: The Wild Years..
The Amish Phone Directory..
O.J. Simpson: My Plan to Find the Real Killer..
A History of German Humor ..
How to Look Good at Sixty by Keith Richards..
Human Rights Advances in China..
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette ..
••
A Redneck bought a smoke alarm for his house.
After attaching it to the ceiling, he read the instructions:
"Now test your alarm."
So he set fire to his house...
After attaching it to the ceiling, he read the instructions:
"Now test your alarm."
So he set fire to his house...
••
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way
to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on
people too.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way
to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on
people too.
••
I like my women how I like my computer.l
On my lap.... Turned on.... Virus free....
On my lap.... Turned on.... Virus free....
••
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and
slides across table* depends on who's asking...
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and
slides across table* depends on who's asking...
••
tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat..
••
A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his
mother-in-law.
As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said:
Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway.
I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!
A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his
mother-in-law.
As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said:
Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway.
I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!
••
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened
the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food...I accidentally ate dog food...
the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food...I accidentally ate dog food...
••
I can't wait to find out who's playing Donald Trump
in the next season of American Horror Story ...
I can't wait to find out who's playing Donald Trump
in the next season of American Horror Story ...
••
An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in
Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues,
who were unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating,
"I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when
the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call center employee replied,
"Remain calm and stay on the line."
Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues,
who were unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating,
"I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when
the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call center employee replied,
"Remain calm and stay on the line."
••
Kid: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up."
Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."
Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."
••
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do
the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
••
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that's disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one
who used all the hot water linda...
wife: that's disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one
who used all the hot water linda...
••
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because
you'll miss them when they're grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.....
••••
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because
you'll miss them when they're grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.....
••••
