Down Hummingbird Lane

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Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren't free samples.
I know that now.

 

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Cupcakes are for people who don't have the dedication
and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers....

 

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I'd like to return this pack of gum.
They taste awful.
"Sir, those are Band-Aids."
Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids.
Someone ate some.

 

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What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles....

 

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I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court
but with tomatoes and sour cream.

 

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I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like
"Damn, that name's way cooler."

 

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FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE
DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard,
Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian...

 

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I thought I saw Jesus in a cookie. But I was wrong.
It was just a guy who looked like him.

 

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What's the difference between a shower curtain and
toilet paper?
If you don't know, I'm never having you over my house
to use the bathroom!

 

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Our relationship with ants is weird.
Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?"
and we're all, "No you will not."

 

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You wouldn't believe all of the Easter eggs I just found
lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

 

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