Down Hummingbird Lane

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My girlfriend broke up with me.
I am devastated.
How could you.
I did everything.
I surprised you with burgers every night..

 

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A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked
for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench.
"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to
appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and
write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

 

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I was going to start an Apathy Anonymous group,
but then I thought: why bother?
 

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Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE
GETS HURT...
Guy from back of room: I'M DATING YOUR EX WIFE...
BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt..
 

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The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito....
for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing
performance of taking longer than necessary.

 

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My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car
is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

 

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If money can't buy happiness, explain ice cream....

 

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A mother was talking to her preschooler.
"Who is your favorite singer?" she asked.
The little girl quickly replied, "Jennifer Low Pants."

 

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My doctor told me to cut down on sodium,
but I'm taking his advice with a grain of salt.

 

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Lawyer says "innocent until proven... broke".

 

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I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of
the upper spine...... Call it a hunch...

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