Down Hummingbird Lane

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I phoned the bondage helpline,
but all the operators were tied up.

 

••

My Grandmother is obsessed with her friends dying.
"Remember Ms Johnson down the lane?
She just died.
You remember Mr. Smith next door?
He just died."
I told her, "Nanna, come off the roof and hand me the rifle."

••
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed
last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws]
Me too man.

 

••

I have the perfect.... anti-terrorist / anti-burglar system in
my house.
Don't need those expensive home monitoring things.
It's called "I'm always home and I have a gun. "

 

•• 

"My cousin just died.
He was only 19.
He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope
walker.

 

••

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men
everywhere?
 " HOLD MY PURSE "

 

••

Its reported ISIS is making driverless carbombs
Running out of manpower probably has something to
do with it.

••
I understand the face situation but you don't have to
be ugly on the inside too..

 

••

Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.

 

••

Loan shark: If you're late my guys will ...
Me: Tell my gf my phone password?
LS: Break every bone in your body
M: Oh. Yeah that's fine..
 

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