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Dude on tv just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor."
He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.
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A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor toget treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.....
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Yo' Mama is so ugly, yo' daddy takes her to work with
him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
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The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important
convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?"
he demanded to know.
"Half the audience walked out before I finished."
The employee was baffled.
"I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied.
"I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
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“That podiatrist is very sneaky.
Give him an arch, he will take a foot...
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In the restaurant....
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans...
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If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler.
I'd go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
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Games My Children Got Caught Playing.....
Pop goes the hamster......and other great microwave games,Testing home made parachutes using household pets.
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If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability
to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits ..
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My mind has been wandering so long,
we're pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
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The Fat Girl's Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there's no ice cream truck in front of me.. you should run too...
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Doctors say each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.
Based on that math I should have died in 1732.....
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