Down Hummingbird Lane

☺☺

Party time....

 

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♥

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it? 

 

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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that
once you're dead, your Miranda rights don't
count for shit.

 

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My psychiatrist believes in shock treatment.
He gave me his bill in advance.

 

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I got banned from the zoo ..
for feeding the chickens ....... to the alligators.

 

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth
waiting in line for.

 

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You don't get smarter as you get older.
There is just less stupid shit left to do that you
haven't already done.

 

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A lonely woman buys a parrot for
companionship.
After a week, the parrot hasn’t uttered a word,
so the woman goes back to the pet store and
buys it a mirror.
Nothing.
The next week, she brings home a little ladder.
Polly is still uncommunicative, so the week
after that, she gives it a swing, which elicits
not a peep.
A week later, she finds the parrot on the floor
of its cage, dying.
Summoning up its last breath, the bird whispers,
“Don’t they have any food at that pet store?”

 

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The only thing a woman wants jumping out of
a cake is another cake.

 

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I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week.
The first thing they told me to do was to stop
hanging around other alcoholics.
Best advice I ever got, So I stopped going.

 

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WIFE: would you chop these onions for me..
 ME: sure..
 WIFE: I meant with a knife..
 ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe):
aww man ..

 

 

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