••
♥
10% of Americans are giving Obama's
presidency the thumbs up.
The other 90% are using a different finger.
••
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I'm with what I want to eat, I respond
"Our telepathy is a bit off.
You should ask me."
••
“My daughter asked me if I was having fun doing
the laundry. I replied, 'Loads."
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My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone...
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*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn
around after I notice I'm walking in the wrong direction*
••
The flight attendant was pointing out to
passengers that their seats could be removed and used as floatation devices.
One woman, on her first flight, said, “I’d prefer
to be sitting on a parachute!’
••
Wife: "Did you know that some idiot paid
$96,000 for Princess Leia's gold bikini?"Me: [nervously tightening my robe] "Who would
do that?"
••
The five stages of being married:
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
••
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
1.They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.2.All the insurance machines in the terminal
are sold out.
3.Before the flight, the passengers get together
and elect a pilot.
4.If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding,
it kisses you back.
5.You cannot board the plane unless you have
the exact change.
6.Before you took off, the stewardess tells you
to fasten your Velcro.
7.The Captain asks all the passengers to chip
in a little for gas.
8.When they pull the steps away, the plane
starts rocking.
9.The Captain yells at the ground crew to get
the cows off the runway.
10.You ask the Captain how often their planes
crash and he sez, "Just once."
11.No movie. Don't need one.
12.Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
13.You see a man with a gun, but he's
demanding to be let off the plane.
14.All the planes have both a bathroom and a
chapel.
••
I went for a job interview today and the recruiter asked me, "Why did you leave your last job?"
I said, "The company relocated and didn't tell me
where."
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