☺☺

 

••

♥

The jack-o-lantern should be the symbol for a
politician; a head with nothing in it.
- Milton Berle

 

••

I did it again, I put way too much hairspray on
my back hair, now I can't sleep.

 

••

I thought you'd be flattered…
that my dog found your leg so attractive.

 

••

White smoke from under the hood…
either my starter went out or my car has elected
a new Pope.

 

••

Will Ferrell can you please stop getting naked
In your movies.
 My girlfriend says you have a better body than
me and its embarrassing....

 

••

[first date]
HER: You smell so good.
What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself*
Mashed potatoes with gravy.

 

••

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga
party dressed as a goat.

 

••

My brother was a victim of his own success.
He died when his trophy cabinet fell on him.

 

••

I often find myself singing in the shower,
which can be extremely frightening.

 

••
Is he a clone!?
What is this place!
SOMEBODY HELP ME.

 

••

I don't believe that twitter is the place for
arguments.
We all have family for that..

 

••

I forgot to pay my exorcist
and ended up being repossessed.

••
"Hi yes I'd like to attempt the Cheeseburger
challenge"
"Very good sir"
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the
kitchen & body slams me]

 

••

*Goes to Czechoslovakia to shop for a car with
Automatic Braking System....
*Czechs for ABS..

 

••

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with
receipt*
This one doesn't listen anymore...
Can I get a new one?

 

••••

 

 

 

 

••

 

••

♥

"All that work, trying to create
 a perfect palindrome ..wasted!
DAMMIT I'M MAD !"
(Pauses)
"Hey...wait.....

••
Apparently it's okay for the office to have
"casual Friday's," but "nudist Tuesday's" are
frowned upon.
How embarrassing for me.

 

••

If it's 1 or 1000 sins you're still getting sent to
Hell.
So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come
down here a legend...

 

••

That moment you could pass as an Olympic
speed walker because you are racing to the
bathroom.

 

•• 

I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie.
Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre
electrolysis accident.
All her hair was removed except for her tail.
Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.

 

••

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life
then turned around and the toilet was empty.
Needless to say I completely lost my shit ...

 

••

We got a tornado warning, and I'm too scared
to open my windows.
Don't want any sharks in my house.

 

••

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the
same price as pants.

 

••

Dad: There's no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

 

••

I would like to give thanks to the brave men
and women who died a long time ago tasting
which plants were edible and which plants
were not.

 

••••

 

 

# 2870

☺☺

 

••

♥

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or
anything, but I can still fit into the socks I
wore in high school.

••
After a night on the town, a young woman
brought a new friend home for a late-night drink.
"You can't make any noise," she warned him.
"My parents are upstairs and if they find out
they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but
after a while alcohol got the better of the man.
"I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs.
The bathroom is right next to my parents'
 bedroom," she replied.
"Use the kitchen sink."
 So he dutifully retired to the kitchen.
A few minutes later, he popped his head around
the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet
paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"

 

••

I ran three miles today.
Finally I said, "Lady, you can have your purse
back now."

 

••

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey
about me uncorking my wine in his office.
He needs to make up his mind.

 

•• 

Ate a whole box of donuts.
But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that
counts as a workout and balances out the
calories.

 

••

I'm pretty confident I can perform this
Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube..

••
I am a kid at heart and a 52 year old coal miner
at liver.

 

••

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.

 

•• 

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle,
because if he sticks his head out when you're
coming home, his face might burn up.

 

••

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help
people overcome their fear of death.

 

••

The freebie-jeebies...
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys
you a drink without asking.

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported
that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital,
saying that after her husband had surgery there,
he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband
was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct his eyesight!"

 

•• 

"Overactive Bladder Hotline.
Can you hold please?”

••
Meanings behind School Subjects....
  Science- Because we want to know what the
stuff around us is made up of...
 History- Because we like to know what dead
people did here..
 Language- Because just staring at each other
would be weird...
 Religion- Learning why you should obey God..
 Spelling- Because we're spies and want to
know what your writing...
 Culinary Arts- Making Murder taste good...
 Film class- Because real life is boring...
 Math- Because playing with numbers is fun...       
 Sex Ed- Because we want to be better at it
than animals..

 

•• 

“A pig pen is filled with pink pigments and oink!”

 

••

Confucius say to Tiger Woods...
He who drives well in fairway does not always
fare well in driveway.

 

••

I think someone should have had the decency to
tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in
his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not
what I call hospitality.

 

••
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day
because that means it's going to be up all night.

 

••

Brings donuts to work because if I can't be
skinny neither can you. 

 

••

Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills
on fire?
A: Bernadette.

 

••

 [on plane]
Me: It's ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than
by plane crashes...
Pilot: This is your captain speaking,
I'm a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo...
 

••
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready
and willing to rock.
No need to ask.

 

••

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

 

Meeting disappointment head on.
Or, as I like to call it, waking up......

 

••

If you feel like you're going through a rough
patch, just remember that it only lasts through
adulthood.

 ••
We live in an expanding universe.
All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

 

••

Diane buys a hundred goldfish.
There ae so many of them that she decides to
keep them in her bathtub.
One day she invites her friend over to see all
her beautiful goldfish.
Lauren is impressed, and says, "They surely
are beautiful, but what do you do when you
want to take a bath?"
Diane replied, "Simple. I just blindfold them!"

 

•• 

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while
I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997...
 

••
Real women don't wish their enemies would die,
just that they'll get fat.

 

••

I said to the wife, "I'm horny."
"What you want me to do?"
"Have sex with me."
"Oh, really?"
"No, just joking," I laughed.
"I just wanted to give you a headache."

 

••

I throw punches in my sleep and I hit my wife
last night....When my wife is asleep is the only
time I ever win a fight or argument.
 

••••